About Me

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Nashville, TN, United States
I am a mom to amazing twin girls, a wife, and I work full time. I battled infertility for 2 years and over the course of treatments, a twin pregnancy, and raising twins I managed to gain about 80 lbs. I’ve lost about 50 lbs so far and would like to lose another 50 in my quest to become a hot mama.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Baseline all clear

Not much new to report.  I had my baseline u/s on Monday.  All was quite in ovary world.  I was given the green light to start Follistim on Tuesday (CD3) at 100IU.  Based on my response to previous FSH cycles I am guessing that I will stim for about 11 days before triggering.

I believe once we trigger we will begin progesterone supplementation and put 2 embryos back in 7 days later.   From what I gather (and trust me there isn't much information available on the web on this protocol) 7 days is when a normal fertilized egg would reach the uterus for implantation. I have learned through the IVF process that your body never does what it is supposed to...but on paper if all goes well I am guessing my transfer will be on January 17 or 18.

I feel like I am out here in uncharted territory with this protocol.  I can't find any information on it and very few people on the message boards seem to have done it this way.  Logically, I would think this would yield a better success rate since my body is actually going to ovulate and hence form a corpus luteum that would create it's hormones.  I just wish there was more info available to read.  Maybe it's a good thing that there isn't so I can't obsess.

That's about all that is new!  Hope everyone has a fabulous NYE!  Be safe!

Monday, December 28, 2009

I'm back and still alive.

Ok, let's recap!

Christmas in Florida
I could not possibly be happier that this year was my parents turn with us for Christmas since Kansas got about a foot of snow and all of the roads shut down.  The drive down to Florida was long and uneventful.  Spending a week with my parents and sisters was amazing.  Made me realize what an awesome (and functional) family I have.  As for Christmas day-Santa was very good to me this year. My husband got me my first legit Coach purse and matching wristlet.  All previous “Coach” purses had been Chinatown finds.  My mother-in-law AND mother got me the SAME pair of Ugg boots…same size, same color, same everything.  Great minds think alike I guess.  So I exchanged one pair and got a different style boot…so now I have 2 pairs of Uggs! My sisters got me all kinds of neat jewelry, candles, and clothing.  My sister in law got me a beautiful vest and shirt from Ann Taylor.  All in all, it was a wonderful Christmas.  We drove back to Nashville yesterday.  The drive back took us about 1 ½ hours less than it did to drive down.  Our doggies were adorable on the drive. 

 My little guy riding on the cooler in the car:

Me, my two sisters, and my best friend being goofy:

Hubby and I at a Christmas Party:

My little guy again riding in the trunk on the presents:

Thursday, December 17, 2009

3 dogs-partners in crime

My three dogs can find mischeif anywhere.  I thought I would post last nights fun with a paper towel roll!

What mom...this paper towel roll here?  Nope, we didn't do this!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Consult left a bad taste in my mouth

So my consult didn't go as planned yesterday.  I pretty much left being told that we are going to do THE SAME protocol as last time...just with more estrogen.

When I questioned how more estrogen would help given that my E2 was over 3000 the last time we checked it (which was a week before my cycle was cancelled mind you) she said she thinks they were trying to increase the dose too late in the game.  Something about that statement just makes my uneasy.  I get that this whole IVF thing is trial and error, but I am not willing to invest 2 more months of by time, money, and more importantly my sanity to be cancelled again.

So this is the email I sent to my clinic.  I proposes a different protocol that I did quite a bit of research on.  If anyone has any experience with this FET protocol or know's someone that does, I'd love to hear about it!

Here's the email:

" Nurse J,

After my consult with Dr. E yesterday, I did some research regarding lining issues and PCOS.  She discussed doing the same protocol as last time (BCP’s, Lupron, Estrace) but doing the Estrace in a higher dose.  Of course I didn’t think of any of these questions until after my appointment, but was hoping you can help me address some of the concerns.

  • ·     The first question is, does it make any sense to test my testosterone levels again?
  • ·         Additionally, I would like to have my dosage of Metformin increased.  It appears that all other PCOS patients I have talked to are taking at least triple the dosage I am taking (500mg) currently.  Most of them are not insulin resistant.  I think the side effect profile of this drug is minimal enough to increase my dosage. I am familiar with the signs of hypoglycemia and can report this to you and decrease the dosage if necessary.
  • ·         Finally, in light of what happened last cycle and the huge time/financial/emotional toll this has taken, I am not comfortable moving forward under the assumption that more estrace is going to be the key.  I have spoken to several other PCOS patients and have found that they were successful when birth control pills and lupron were eliminated from the protocol.  Many of the protocols started with estrace or micronized estradiol on CD 1 at 2mg and increased the dose every few days (up to 6mg QD).  The Lupron and BCP’s were removed because these have been found to interfere with lining.  Do you believe that this could be the problem for me?  Given that I have never ovulated on my own, I am not sure the taking Lupron to suppress ovulation is necessary.

I am really interested in trying an Exogenous estrogen and progesterone cycle (EEP).  This is the information I have found on this protocol:

“2) EEP - Exogenous Estrogen and Progesterone - In this cycle, you take estrogen and progesterone to regulate your cycle and thicken your lining. This is the timeline one clinic does it on... others will vary by a day or two. Start taking estrogen pills and patched on cd 1. Go in for bloodwork/lining check on cd 13. If everything looks good, start progesterone that evening. Transfer on cd 16 or cd 18, depending on the age of the embryos.
 Research studies suggest that the success rate with this protocol and the GnRh protocol are the same:
I think this will also be better in the interest of time because quite frankly, I don’t want to wait another 2 months before we can transfer. I realize that I am trying to grab the bull by the horn in a field that I am not trained in, but I am my own best advocate.

Thanks for all of your help with this Jennifer.  I appreciate it.


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Christmas lights and infertility websites

Yes, that’s right.  A boat parade..in the middle of winter…in 30 degree weather.  Some of us are actually that crazy.  We decorate our boats with lights and Christmas trees and then join a pageant of lights around the lake.  This is followed by a party that benefits a different charity every year.  This year it was Centerstone.  It is a mental health facility.

Here are some pics:

And for the obligatory IF update:

I am going for my consult with the RE today. I am nervous and excited all at the same time.  I am excited to see what this new protocol brings.  I am nervous because I really want to get this show on the road.  I am tired of waiting and tired of EVERYONE else getting pregnant but me.  As of today I am officially $30,000 in the whole THIS YEAR!  It's my turn damn it!

I'll keep you posted on the results of the consult!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Getting in the holiday spirit

After reading my friend Carrie's blog I thought it would be fun to create of few of my own Christmas cards to send out this year....

For family and friends:


For your co-workers:


For everyone that tells you "Just relax"


For your mom:

There's just so many great ways to express how you are feeling this Holiday! Be creative and tell the world what you really think.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Coming apart at the seams

What is wrong with me?  I can cry at the drop of a hat.  I can see a baby in public and since in to such a deep depression.  I pass the baby isle at a store and I physically feel a tug at my heart that burns.  I hear a pregnancy announcement and I become an emotional retard.

How in God’s green earth did I get here?  When did I become the person that resents every person that is pregnant or has had a baby?  Why do I begrudge every friend that has known the joy of seeing two pink lines?  I hate this person.  I don’t recognize this person.

DH announced to me last night that his CEO’s wife (that I have to see tonight at a Christmas party) is pregnant [AGAIN].  She is just barely older than I.  They already have 2 kids.  They decided just a few weeks ago to try for number 3.  It all seems so unfair.  Yeah yeah…I get it God.  Life isn’t fair.  Point taken.  But does life have to be so downright cruel?

So I cried my eyes out last night.  For an hour.  I cried uncontrollably.  I cried because she can get pregnant and I can’t.  I cried because none of our friends have a clue what we are going through and how badly it hurts to talk about  kids or being pregnant.  I cried because I feel like infertility is going to ruin our marriage.  I cried because I feel like DH thinks I am unreasonable and inpatient.  I cried because my heart was hurting and there is no bandage that I can put on it…there is nothing I can take to make this pain go away.  I cried because I am broke…not a whole woman…and because I am failure.

I am not trying to play the pity party game.  This is feelings I can’t suppress anymore. Feelings that are bubbling over and affecting EVERY aspect of my life.  There isn’t an hour that goes by that I don’t think about being a mom or becoming pregnant.  I can’t think about the future without thinking about what procedures or medications I will be on then or wondering if I will be pregnant.

How do I make it go away.  I would almost anything to not feel like this anymore or have  switch to just “shut if off.” I wish that becoming a mother wasn’t even part of who I am or what I want in life.  Sometimes I wish I had the desire to live childless.  Life would be so easy then.  I could be normal and sane.  Instead I’m irrational and emotionally unstable.

Nobody gets this feeling except fellow infertiles.  And I’m not talking about “Oh I’ve tried Clomid twice and gotten pregnant so I know what infertility is like” kind of infertiles.  I’m talking about the ones that have done IVF and failed…have done every drug and failed…have reached the end of the treatment road and are running out of options infertiles.  Those are the ones that know what this feels like.  Those are the ones who get it.  To date…I have met one person in the flesh (although I love and respect all of my fellow bloggers and message board girls…I’ve just yet to meet you in person) that knows what it feels like.

Perhaps I should make a magic drug for infertiles to numb the pain.  I’d be a millionaire.

Song for today:

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Oh Shhhicle!?!

I have to thank She's going belly up for the awesome new word that I plan on incorporating in my IF vernacular .  Thanks!

Oh Shhhicle.

Shi•cle [shy-kuhlnoun, verb, -cled, -cling.

1. any shitty round or series of occurrences that repeats or is repeated.
2. a recurring period of time in which certain shitty events or phenomena repeat themselves in the same order and at the same intervals.

Use shicle in a sentence>

My period came on the 45th day of my shicle this month. 
Last week, I shicled all the way to the fertility clinic. 

They told me to come back at the end of this shicle.

I feel like I'm shicling in circles and not getting anywhere. 

Middle English: shite
Latin: cyclus

BumpMister: CD 45: "wow, what a shitty cycle. it's a shicle. haha." 

Monday, December 7, 2009

Uterine lining = FAIL

Well after a week of Viagra suppositories my lining acutally shrunk to 6.0mm and is no longer trilayer.  My FET is officially cancelled.

I knew this was coming...mostly becaues I am accustomed to NEVER getting good news from the RE.  It still knocked the wind out of sails when it was confirmed on U/S.

I have an appointment for January 4 to discuss what we will do next.

Today is the first day where my mind started crossing over to the "Could we live child-less" side.  It is a scary and eerie thought.  I can't imagine my life without ever having kids.  I can't understand why God won't grant me this prayer.  I can't understand why he's decided that a 14 year old girl on food stamps can have a baby and I can't.  I can't understand why others don't understand that not everyone can get pregnant with a snap of the fingers.

I guess I won't get answers to any of these questions.  But today, my heart aches just a little more and I grow just a little bit more weary.  My soul feels broken and I am not sure how much more of this my soul or my marriage can handle.

I feel broken.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Viagra, Viagra everywhere...

If you aren't into TMI....stop here.....

So I started the Viagra suppositories last night.  As you can probably guess there is a really high "leak" rate for these suckers.  I am starting to wonder how much is actually staying in.  It hasn't stopped leaking since last night. SOOOO gross.  The things us IF girls do!

So now along with 2 estrace pills daily, I am also shoving a suppository in my lady business daily.  Whatever happened to just shoving your man's business in there to get pregnant.  Oh how I wish I could go back to the days when I believed that's how babies are made.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


My nurse called yesterday afternoon.  She said the RE has reviewed my chart and has suggested cancelling this cycle.  She asked the RE if there was any harm in letting me go on for one more week and see if vaginal viagra and B6 vitamins would help do the trick.  She agreed.

So now I am awaiting my package of she-viagra.  I'll start it tonight and pray to the 8 pound, 5 ounce baby jesus that it thickens my lining up the last 1 1/2 mm.  I guess it's all in God's hands now. 

Having no control over your body really sucks!

So now I find myself wondering....if I am taking lady Viagra and DH and I BD.....Does he feel the effects as well??  (If so...that is awesome and hilarious)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

God is laughing at me.

In case you can't read...the top email says "MakeMeBabies."

Is someone watching all of my searches of infertility and laughing?

I also received a flyer from the hopsital yesterday that says "Our family is growing too" with a picture of a big pregnant belly on it.  Apparently my old doctors office doesn't dilineate between infertility patients and OB patients.

Thanks God!

Turkeys, endometrial linings, christmas shopping and other unrelated topics

Ok, now that I have gotten my cynical post out of the way (and yes…I do feel better now) here’s the skinny since my last post:

FET #1
This appears to be falling apart at the seams.  Where to begin…last week, went in for a lining check. It was up to 7.0mm.  E2 was at 850.  Looks good.  Just need to get one more millimeter before we can transfer.  So I make an appointment for an out of state monitoring visit at Shawnee Mission Infertility Clinic in Kansas (because nothing says Happy turkey day like having your vag wanded). So the women gives me all kinds of different numbers 6.2 then 7.0 then 7.1 and also tells me that there appears to be a pocket of mucous or blood inside the lining.  Great.  Break down number one occurs in the office.  Break down number 2 in the car.  Break down number 3 happens when my nurse calls to cancel my December 4th transfer. Breakdown number 4 happens while I’m at the in laws.  And so on and so forth.

So today I went in, and my f*cking lining is shrinking.  Yes, despite “accidentally” taking more estradiol valerate on Saturday and switching from oral to vaginal estrace, I seemed to have back slid by .2mm.  Great!  If there is any silver lining, apparently blondie that did my u/s in Kansas was totally wrong…there was no fluid in there.  Bitch.

So now I am starting to FREAK out.  I have so much time, money, and emotions invested in this cycle that I just can’t imagine having it cancelled.  So I am still awaiting a call from the RE, but it looks like they are going to increase my estrogen and start me on Viagra suppositories.  Weird, but hey, at this point if someone told me cutting off my pinky toe by papercut would get me pregnant, I would do it.

If no progress has been made by my next scan, this cycle is cancelled. 

Family, turkey, Christmas shopping, yadda yadda.  Thanksgiving is like you would imagine it.  BUT, while we were in Kansas we went to dinner with some of DH’s old high school football buddies.  I got a chance to talk to a couple, Ben and Carrie, that has had the same shitty luck we have had.  I would not wish our situation on anyone, but it was so nice to get to talk to someone my own age about infertility and the crappy hand we’ve been dealt.  They have been doing their IVF in the Czech which is apparently SOOOO much cheaper and more personable.  Please check out her blog for more info on it. http://benandcarriemug.blogspot.com/

I ran the Thanksgiving day 5K.  Beat my last time by 3 minutes.  Pretty pleased.

So I like the fact that fertility drug companies never miss an opportunity to get their name out there.  I found this particularly memorable while sitting bare bottomed on the u/s table. 

That’s about it for now.  Hopefully I’ll have some good news to report soon.

Here’s a little prayer I’ve been trying this cycle….

Prayer to St. Gerard

O good St. Gerard, powerful intercessor before the throne of God, wonder-worker of our day, I call upon you and seek your help. While on earth, you always fulfilled God's designs; help me, too, always do God's holy will. Beseech the master of life, from whom all parenthood proceeds, to bless me with offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the kingdom of God's glory in the life to come.


Thank you body for doing NOTHING that you are supposed to.

Dear body,

I would like to thank you for completely going against the grain and defying all normal body functions.  Despite the tears every month, I truly appreciate that you can't simply ovulate on your own.  I mean, I am not asking you for a lot.  Just drop an egg once a month.  How hard is that? Also, thanks so much for throwing in the metabolic problems with the PCOS.  I really appreciate having to work out twice as hard to maintain my fluffy physique.

As for today, I'd like to extend my sincerest gratitude for shrinking my lining to 6.8mm even though we were at 7.0mm last week.  Don't worry, I can deal with yet another botched IVF cycle.  It's OK...my sanity will get it eventually...don't even worry about it.

I definitely don't want to forget to mention how grateful I am for the awesome blemished skin you've blessed me with.  I think they suit my swollen boobs and masscara streaked face so well.

In closing, I could not be more grateful that you completely work the opposite of a normal woman’s body.  The joy of spending 30K this year on infertility treatments and drugs has been fun.

Just for shits and giggles…maybe you could try working these next couple of months.  That would be great. Thanks.

Your owner

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Unintentional Lie

o I have O neg blood...which is gold for the blood drives. They call me...often...to get me to come in. DH and I decided that while we are going through this process, it would be best for me to keep all of my blood. So yesterday, I got a call from the RedCross begging me to come in. This is the 3rd call this week so I was getting a little tired of it. So while on the phone with this women I did the math and thought 'well how long will I need to not donate if this cycle works'. So I asked her to remove me from the calling list for about 9 months. Not thinking that this is usually what people say when they are pregnant. So the women goes "Oh my goodness, that is so wonderful. Congratulations. Is this your first?" I didn't have the heart to tell her no lady, I'm infertile and going through IVF....so instead I responded "yes." Then she proceeded to congratulate me some more.

After I got off the phone I felt just awful about going along with a lie. It stung pretty bad to tell a lie that I wanted so badly to be reality. Hard lesson learned.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Wedding Recap ("borrowed" from Sew Infertile")

Thanks for the idea Sew Infertile!  Love it!

1.  1. Where/how did you meet: We met at the University of Miami.  I was an undergrad and he was my TA.  Scandalous!

2. 2. How long have you known each other: 7  years

3. How long after you met did you start dating: We met a year before we started dating.  The following year…during band camp (yes, yes I know…it was this one time at band camp) we started dating after a hurricane party at my house. And yes, when you live in Miami, you have hurricane parties the second that school is cancelled.

4. How long did you date before you were engaged: We dated for a year and a half 

5. How long was your engagement: 1 ½ years…he wanted a long engagement…I didn’t.  He won.

6. How long have you been married: Almost 3 years

7. What is your anniversary: May 19th

8. How many people came to your wedding reception: 110

9. What kind of cake did you serve: Key lime cake with key lime frosting….and I can’t remember what the other 2 layers were.

10. Where was your wedding: Key West, Florida.  We wanted a destination wedding so that we would have a smaller guest list.  FAIL!  Everyone we invited showed up.  Guess everyone loves Key West as much as we do!  We were married on a dock over the water and had our reception outdoors at a place called Kelly’s (which is the old PanAm headquarters)

11. What did you serve for your meal: Everyone knows brides don’t remember what the food was…but I think guest could choose from steak, coconut shrimp, or a pasta dish

12. How many people were there in your bridal party: 5

13. Are you still friends with them all: Absolutely

14. Did you or your spouse cry during the ceremony: No, we both were choked up though

15. Most special moment of your wedding day: Seeing his big smile when I came down the isle and having my daddy give me away.

16. Any funny moments: My husband surprised me by having the college mascot come out at the reception.  He was drunker than ten Indians!  Nothing like a gigantic ibis stumbling around the wedding!

17. Any big disasters: I cried my eyes out while getting my hair done because it looked like Helen Keller did it…nothing like the picture. Thank god for veils right?

18. Where did you go on your honeymoon: We did a tour of Costa Rica…we went to San Jose, La Fortuna (home of an active volcano), Jaco, and Tamrindo (where we stayed at an all inclusive resort…well a hut really.  We were one of maybe 4 couples there.)

19. How long were you gone: 7 days

20. If you were to do your wedding over, what would you change: 2 things…my dress…the boning did some crazy things and looked ugly by the end of the night….and definitely have a new photographer…because she turned out to be a scam artist who’s house “caught on fire”….amazing that it has “caught on fire” for all of the other brides weddings she did.  Thank god for facebook and digital cameras.

21. What side of the bed do you sleep on: furthest from the door  (ditto)

22. What size is your bed: Queen

23. Greatest strength as a couple: Communication and trust

24. Greatest challenge as a couple: without a doubt, infertility.  I can’t say our marriage has been perfect.  We had a few months that were really rough about a year ago (nothing divorce worth), but we have built such a great foundation moving forward that I don’t know what I would do without him.

25. Who literally pays the bills: He does….he takes care of all of our financials.  I really need to be better about helping him, but he is wonderful for managing our household in that manner. 

26. What is your song: Good Morning Beautiful by Steve Holy

27. What did you dance your first dance to: Good Morning Beautiful

28. Describe your wedding dress: see pics.

29. What kind of flowers did you have at your wedding: My bouquet was mostly star gazer lilies.  It’s the flower my husband first gave me while we were dating.

30. Are your wedding bands engraved? No.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Holy Lupron headache and some good news!

Last IVF cycle I didn't get any headaches while taking Lupron. This time around, I have woken up with a headache every single day that I've been taking it.  They get worse as the day goes on and there is nothing I can do to make them go away.  I feel so bad for my poor hubby because the only thing I have energy to do between the headaches and the sheer exhaustion is make dinner, watch 30 minutes of TV, and pass out.  I've been a terribly hormonal wife lately.  I am so lucky to have such a wonderful supportive husband that has put up with me throughout this whole process!

And now for the good news!  AF finally came today!  Thank the AF god: )

PS-that is hopefully the last time you'll hear me say that!

Waiting for the AF fairy...

Well sort of.  I went in for my suppression check yesterday.  U/S was all clear.  Lining was 5.1 (which they said is a little thick, but I haven't had a period yet).  My E2 came back at 32 so I am completely suppressed!  Yay!

I still haven't start AF.  Some spotting here and there, but it always stops.  This might be the first time I am hoping AF comes!  The RE told me that if I don't start by tomorrow, which is when I am supposed to start Estrodial Valerate shots, to call so we can figure out what we are going to do.  I pray pray pray that it comes before then because I REALLY don't want to delay our FET any longer!

In other news, last night I made vaca frita for the first time.  It's an amazing cuban dish (and even though I am a super white girl, I am actually half-cuban).  As a bonus, I even found frozen plantains at Publix (which are next to impossible to find in Tennessee).  It was delicious!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Top 10 ways to get away from pregnant people

So after a fun encounter with a certain co-worker today who LOVES to talk about her pregnancy and show me her Bella Band (even though she’s only 4 weeks pregnant), I’ve decided that I should come up with a list of ways to shut her up.  Feel free to add!

1.       When she makes a comment, comment back with something completely unrelated to the conversation.  I.e. “So I am getting fat, look at my Bella Band.” “Did you know Rhinoceroses’ ejaculate 70 times a day.”

2.       Begin the conversation with a graphic description of the consistency of your vomit last time you threw up.  Talk about the smell, how their were pieces of spaghetti in it.  Maybe throw in how the dog started licking it up before you were able to clean it.  She’ll eventually have a pang of morning sickness that will leave her running for the bathroom.

3.       As soon as she enters your cube, begin silently farting while acting very engaged in her conversation.  It is essential to be sure you ate beans and other foul smelling foods the night before. Eventually, she’ll politely excuse herself.

4.       When she approaches your desk begin to cough uncontrollably.  When she asks what’s wrong tell her you have tuberculosis or the swine flu.

5.       Cover your desk with pictures of episiotomies, bloody placentas, vaginal tears, a birthing table covered in feces.  When she asks what all of this is, explain to her that your “friend” just gave birth and sent you all of these pictures.  Begin to describe the pain and embarrassment that said friend experienced during her grueling birth.  For good measure throw in anal fissures.

6.       Next time she shows you pictures of her diaper bag she bought or the new crib they plan on buying, bust out your pictures of your embryos and your husband’s frozen sperm sample.  Be sure to go into great detail about how much each of them cost.

7.       Find out where she lives…print out the sex offenders report for her area.  During the next conversation, act terribly concerned and hand her the list.  Then throw in “since you are having a baby and all, I thought you might want this.”

8.       Make yourself a fest of caffeinated coffee, beer, tequila shots, hot dogs, and un-pasteurized soft cheeses.  While eating comment about how good everything tastes and how you couldn’t live without it.  Be sure to offer her some.  At the end be sure to top off your meal by popping a Motrin because why hurt if you don’t have to!

9.       Talk about how your Great Aunt Mildred stretched so bad when she was pregnant that she’s got a pocket of saggy skin that she has to tuck into her pants.  For an added bonus, talk about how bad the fold of stretchy skin smells.  Double whammy if you can get the pregnant girl to puke.

10.   During the next conversation about her ultrasound or OB appointment talk all about how much fun you had and how drunk you were the past weekend.  Mention all of the great cocktails you had and how life is so much better when you can unwind with a drink!

[Disclaimer: Use these at your own risk]

I <3 Nashville Walmarts

That's a woman in case you were wondering.  And yes, I am a heinous bitch.  I accept that.  Enjoy!

Monday, November 2, 2009

You want to put what where?

So....I had a hydrosonogram today.  I understood the jist of the procedure...spread em, put a catheter in, shoot some water in there, take a picture.  But, when I arrived for my appointment today, the room was adorned with chuck pads...as if I had just shown up to the set of a bad porno in which girls shoot all kinds of weird liquids from their lady business (sorry for the graphic...but that's what it felt like).

Seriously!  Was all of this necessary?

So the nurse opened the door to the room and all I could think to say is "Well this looks painful."  Then she said "well I just don't want to clean the floors." and walks out.  Then I was left to sit in the room alone to visualize women with their feet in stirrups shooting saline from their vagina's like a jet boat.

Fortunately, it wasn't like that at all (thank God, because I had devleoped this fear of shooting water all over my doctor based on how the room looked!)  It was about as painful as I imagined....REALLY crampy. They had the same problems they did at our last embryo transfer with my cervix...not opening at all.  So they used some "numbing" cream which felt like scalding water on my insides and then a cervical tenaculum (and yes, it is as scary as it sounds) to spread open the cervix to slide the catheter and balloon in.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Dear "We weren't really trying to get pregnant, but guess what I'm pregnant" friend...

Yes, you know who you are.  I just want to let you know, that I don’t give a shit about your morning sickness.  And while I truly appreciate you telling another co-worker to tell me about your unexpected pregnancy surprise on the first day you POAS because you “didn’t want to upset me” I don’t really give a shit if you feel like puking your brains out and outlining each and every food that makes you sick.  Please note that some of us have paid upwards of $25,000 this year just so they too could puke their brains out when a co-worker opened their tuna fish sandwich and to be exhausted to the point of suicide. 

In addition, you may consider finding someone else’s cubicle to go to when you want to talk about your plans for an unmedicated birth at only 3 week pregnant. Also, please consider sharing the pictures of the diaper bag you already bought for your husband with someone else.  I find it cute that in your oblivious mind you think I A) care ; B) want to share in your stupidity for sharing your wonderful news without even getting a beta done; C) want to share in your joy as an IF person.

Your couth never ceases to amaze me.  I do hope that you can enjoy the untainted perception of pregnancy that you have that has led you to make the decisions you have made so far in your pregnancy and the etiquette thereof.

I appreciate your consideration in this matter.

Your fellow infertile co-worker.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

2 Goals down and getting closer to FET!

Sorry it's been awhile, quick update.  I am making headway on my list of goals!

Today I took a  yoga class!!

Friday, October 16, 2009

God grant me the serenity...

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference,
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace,
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it,
Trusting that He will make all things right,
If I surrender to His Will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forver and ever in the next.

I printed this prayer to help get me through the next couple of weeks. Today there was a pregnancy announcement at work.  I want so much to be happy for her, but I can't help but burn inside. I don't want to be the person I've become.  I can hardly recognize this jealous, hateful person I see in the mirror anymore and it sickens me.  Where is my former self?  Where is the happy go lucky girl that loved life and din't cry daily.  I miss her.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Follistim, Follistim, Get your Follistim (no really)

I've got 6 boxes of Follistim left over from my IVF cycle. I also have one brand new unused Follistim Pen. Each cartridge is 300IU.

I bought them for $210 each and am selling them for $150 each. If you don't have insurance and are starting IVF and would like them, shoot me an email!

They have a while before they expire (not sure of the exact date, but if you are interested, I can check).

I will ship them on ice (using the ice packs they were shipped to me in). I'd be happy to do whatever you would like to prove ownership (take a picture, send you a copy of my receipts).


Sniffle, Sniffle

No, those aren’t sniffles from more tears….it’s sniffles from the flu.  Why can’t I seem to get healthy? It seems like I’ve gone from OHSS, right into a suspected pulmonary embolism, right into elevated white blood cell counts from ER, and now into this cold.  Guess my body can only take so much abuse.

At least now that IVF is over, I can nurse my body back to health!

To recap the week so far, went to Kansas.  It was great…but freezing.  Freezing + sick= sicker. We went to the Kansas v. Iowa game on Saturday.  The game was great.  Unfortunately my high hopes of resuming my adult beverage consumption (after abstaining for 2 months for IVF) were foiled by my cold.  Nothing sounds good when you are sick…especially beer!  The funny thing is, I’ve abstained from alcohol, sushi, caffeine, and all other “bad” things for so long now that I don’t even desire them anymore.  Ok, I’m lying.  I craved sushi the other day…a craving the DH promptly took care of. Isn’t he awesome!

In procreation news, we received our plan for our FET.  I’ve already re-started BCPs and will go in for my cyst check November 4th.  Provided that is all clear I’ll begin Lupron November 6th, go in for my suppression check November 16th, begin Estradiol Valerate on November 19th, have an E2 and U/S on December 1, and praying to god that all goes well, our transfer on or around December 7th. I have to think that maybe God’s plan was for us to conceive the month of his son’s birthday.  How amazing would it be to find out we are pregnant right before we head home to celebrate Christmas with the family.  Granted, that makes getting all of my betas done really difficult, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

So now the waiting game begins.  I am praying for the strength to get through another cycle after already having a failed cycle.  I am finding it really hard to have any glimmer of hope that this will work after being crushed after our fresh transfer.  Maybe going into it thinking “there’s no way I’m going to get pregnant” is a better outlook…at least then I can’t get hurt if I don’t.  At this point, it’s hard to imagine that I’ll ever know what it feels like to carry life inside of me…a feeling I so desperately want.  So the easiest thing for me to do is just ignore it.  Pretend that nothing is different.  That we aren’t doing IVF again.  That I am not about to abuse my body with a new plethora of drugs.  Perhaps that will make the time pass faster.

In goal oriented news, I have accomplished one thing on my “To-do” list so far…..
All of our credit cards are paid off!!  Our IVF has been completely paid off.  It’s hard to believe we did it that fast.  Don’t get me wrong, the VERY generous gifts from both sets of parents helped more than you could ever know.

One goal down….9 to go!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Baby steps...no pun intended

1. Today I haven't cried...not once
2. Today I talked with our nurse and created our calendar for our FET which will be at the beginning of December
3. Today I made an appointment with an infertility therapist to try and get out of this low funky feeling.
4. Today I made an appointment with a personal trainer for next week to whip my butt in shape.
5. Today I didn't log on to a single web site to read about FET's, success rates, stories, etc

I'm feeling accomplished.  I guess I am going to have to get through all of this in baby steps.  But damnit, I will get out of this funk.

On a different note, tomorrow we are leaving to go to Kansas for the KU homecoming.  It will be nice to get away and not think about what happened at all.  Sadly, I am looking forward to going home and packing...because it gives my idle mind something to do besides ponder.

Finally, the results or our beta came back today. Zero.  Just like I suspected.  I am glad it wasn't a chemical pregnancy because apparently you have to take more cycles off before doing a FET.  I guess that is positive news.

I probably won't blog over the weekend...I hope to not have free time on my hands. And if I do, there will be a beer or glass or wine in it!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Does it stop hurting?

These past few days have been a complete roller coaster.  I go from feeling like "Ok, one failed IVF, no big deal" to "OMG, we are never going to get pregnant...all of our IVFs are going to fail."  Every day since AF started I have found myself sitting in my driveway after getting home in my car crying hysterically.  I can't even control it.  Sometimes I don't even know why I am crying.

Today I have noticed that anger is beginning to creep in.  I'm angry at my doctor for not transferring two embryos.  I'm angry at the embryologist for possibly picking a flawed embryo.  I'm angry at myself for having PCOS.  I'm angry at myself that I have let my weight back slide during treatment after losing 35lbs. I'm angry at having to see any and every pregnant woman that hasn't had to go through what I have been through. I'm angry at our friends that got pregnant at the same clinic we go to despite being more than 10 years old, having shitty embryos, and being chain smokers.  I'm mad at every person that has ever said to me "Just relax and it will happen" or "Just go on a vacation, you'll get pregnant then" or my favorite "You're so young, don't worry about it, you've got plenty of time." 

Why does it hurt so bad.  I didn't have a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy, yet it feels like something was ripped away from me.  I feel hopeless. 

I had my beta today...it'll be back tomorrow.  I kind of feel like it was a slap in the face to make me still come in for it.  On the upside I got to meet with the nurse.  I asked her what the normal procedure is and she said they want all of their clients to take a month off and when the next period starts, that is when the supression and medication begin.  Once we get to that point, it takes 6 weeks.  Oh, PS, our lab is closed towards the end of December.  So, needless to say we are having to take a much not wanted but probably needed hiatus.  I guess we'll be looking at a January 2010 FET.  God, that seems so far away it makes me sick.

So I've decided to come up with a list of goals I will focus on to acheive between now and then to take my mind off of the obvious:
1) Lose 15 lbs

2) Try a yoga class

3) Get back to at least 2x weekly weight training

4) Get a massage

5) Go on a weekend get away with DH and just focus on us...no talking about babies or IVF.

6) Blog about something else besides being having a dysfunctional reproductive system

7) Start a new sewing project

8) Start my Christmas shopping and finish it before Christmas Eve

9) Pay off all of our credit cards and put enough $$ away to pay cash for the FET

10) Pay more attention to the blessings that I have daily and cherish all of them