About Me

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Nashville, TN, United States
I am a mom to amazing twin girls, a wife, and I work full time. I battled infertility for 2 years and over the course of treatments, a twin pregnancy, and raising twins I managed to gain about 80 lbs. I’ve lost about 50 lbs so far and would like to lose another 50 in my quest to become a hot mama.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Coming apart at the seams

What is wrong with me?  I can cry at the drop of a hat.  I can see a baby in public and since in to such a deep depression.  I pass the baby isle at a store and I physically feel a tug at my heart that burns.  I hear a pregnancy announcement and I become an emotional retard.

How in God’s green earth did I get here?  When did I become the person that resents every person that is pregnant or has had a baby?  Why do I begrudge every friend that has known the joy of seeing two pink lines?  I hate this person.  I don’t recognize this person.

DH announced to me last night that his CEO’s wife (that I have to see tonight at a Christmas party) is pregnant [AGAIN].  She is just barely older than I.  They already have 2 kids.  They decided just a few weeks ago to try for number 3.  It all seems so unfair.  Yeah yeah…I get it God.  Life isn’t fair.  Point taken.  But does life have to be so downright cruel?

So I cried my eyes out last night.  For an hour.  I cried uncontrollably.  I cried because she can get pregnant and I can’t.  I cried because none of our friends have a clue what we are going through and how badly it hurts to talk about  kids or being pregnant.  I cried because I feel like infertility is going to ruin our marriage.  I cried because I feel like DH thinks I am unreasonable and inpatient.  I cried because my heart was hurting and there is no bandage that I can put on it…there is nothing I can take to make this pain go away.  I cried because I am broke…not a whole woman…and because I am failure.

I am not trying to play the pity party game.  This is feelings I can’t suppress anymore. Feelings that are bubbling over and affecting EVERY aspect of my life.  There isn’t an hour that goes by that I don’t think about being a mom or becoming pregnant.  I can’t think about the future without thinking about what procedures or medications I will be on then or wondering if I will be pregnant.

How do I make it go away.  I would almost anything to not feel like this anymore or have  switch to just “shut if off.” I wish that becoming a mother wasn’t even part of who I am or what I want in life.  Sometimes I wish I had the desire to live childless.  Life would be so easy then.  I could be normal and sane.  Instead I’m irrational and emotionally unstable.

Nobody gets this feeling except fellow infertiles.  And I’m not talking about “Oh I’ve tried Clomid twice and gotten pregnant so I know what infertility is like” kind of infertiles.  I’m talking about the ones that have done IVF and failed…have done every drug and failed…have reached the end of the treatment road and are running out of options infertiles.  Those are the ones that know what this feels like.  Those are the ones who get it.  To date…I have met one person in the flesh (although I love and respect all of my fellow bloggers and message board girls…I’ve just yet to meet you in person) that knows what it feels like.

Perhaps I should make a magic drug for infertiles to numb the pain.  I’d be a millionaire.

Song for today:


19 comments:

  1. I am SO sorry for what you are going through. And I'm starting to enter that place too. I feel like my friends are aliens all of a sudden and that none of them understand at all what we've went through. And sometimes you need a friend in "real life", not just blog-land.

    I don't understand why it has to be this way. And I know others can't possibly know what it feels like to hear that you may never get pregnant or to lose a baby. But do they all have to get pregnant so easily???

    Just know that you are not alone.

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  2. Thanks Amber! I love my blog-land friends because most of them just get it! I am sorry you are feeling the same! Hopefully it will get better for both of us soon: )

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  3. It really stinks feeling broken, and watching everyone else pass you by without any effort.

    (Not to make light of any of our feelings, but I feel a country-western song coming on: sitting in the break-down lane of life, watching everyone else pass by, heading to your destination and not stopping to help or ask you why.)

    Maybe take pleasure in the fact that you can drink at the party tonight and she can't? I dunno. I'll be thinking of you.

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  4. Thanks Mrs. Higrens...I think that would make an awesome country song. I don't think there's been one about infertility...so it would be a hit!

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  5. Emily - I am so so sorry. I literally could have (and have) written this same blog and felt the same feelings. No, I have not had a failed IVF, but I can assure you that after almost 5 years of trying...I have been there.

    We are all here for you, if you would like someone you can talk to, let me know and I would be happy to give you my number. I am sure it is SO hard to go through all of this without having a friend to confide in.

    Big hugs!
    XOXO
    Nichole

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  6. Thanks so much Nichole. I definietely didn't mean that people that haven't been throug IVF don't get it. But it is hard to take advice from someone that was "infertile" for 3 months...and "knows what its like." You definitely get it. I couldn't fathom 5 years. I would have probably been committed to a mental institution by now. Thanks so much for your support. I am following your blog now so I hope to offer you the same hope you have given me today.

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  7. I get it.....I know....I understand. And....you said it beauitfully. Feeling this way is scary and difficult because we aren't "suppose" to feel this way. But we do.
    I'm so sorry...but if anything has gotten me through the 4 years of IF...it has been my marathon training. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other....sometimes that's literally ALL you can do....

    http://benandcarriemug.blogspot.com/2009/10/power-of-t-shirt.html

    http://benandcarriemug.blogspot.com/2009/09/bad-day.html

    I'm thinking about you....and I wish I could take all of your pain away.

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  8. Hey Emily, My heart goes out to you today after reading this post. For me, some pregnancy announcements hit harder than others, but the ones that hit hard, hit HARD. The line in your post that struck me the most was that IF was going to ruin your marriage. Gosh, I just want to pray for you guys! If I could recommend a book to (both of) you, it would be "Moments for Couples who long for children"...it might help you guys feel more united in this struggle? I will be praying my heart out for you, that you'll feel comforted amidst all this heartache (hug)

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  9. It isnt fair. It just isnt. I'm so sorry. I know you are hurting and I wish I had some magic answer (I know, I'd be rich too).

    Thinking of you...

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  10. ((((((((((((((((((((Emily)))))))))))))))))))))))
    I can relate 100% to what you are going through. All of my friends "started trying" and within a month they were all expected. It's heart breaking and heart wrenching. Hang in there my fellow infertile sister.

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  11. P.S. My next blog post was going to be about feeling like a failure as a woman, so again, you are not alone.

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  12. I am so sorry, Emily. Your post brought tears to my eyes for the pain you are enduring right now ... *hugs*

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  13. Wow this sounds like an entry from my journal. A repeat entry actually. This is one of the (in)famous phases of infertility emotions, and it's the worst one there is. I think we cycle through different emotions while dealing with infertility- like the stages of grief. There's no specific order and we can revisit stages, we can stay as long as we like... there's no rules- except that we will feel all those emotions. I'm SOOO sorry that you are feeling like this. I definitely know the place you are in right now, and it is awful to say the least. I don't think there is a word negative enough to describe it, actually. I have been there time and time again, and even had a continuous stay of over a year once.
    Unfortunately there isn't really anything anyone can do or say to pull you out of this rut right now. But we can comfort you to say that you are not alone! And you are not crazy. With me personally I've discovered that that only time it's possible for me to deal with other people's good news and success with some form of normality and emotional stability is when I have a plan for action in place and actually have hope/faith in the potential success of that plan. What an elusive and specific situation that is! That plan, at times, has been to do nothing and to shove my infertility so far down that I could almost pretend it wasn't there. As long as nobody forced it out of me (with an announcement, or with prying and digging at me about it-grrr), I would be fine. But as soon as that happened, I would burst with all the emotion I had stifled.
    IF is SO hard. Beyond hard.
    I'm so sorry Emily. Please feel completely free to avoid my blog, or any other pg IFers for that matter, for as long as you like and I PROMISE I won't be upset or offended! Because I have been exactly where you are so many times and for so many years. I understand the feeling that you are shattering inside over and over again and you just can't do anything to stop the damage from repeating. It can consume you!
    I don't know what to tell you to help you crawl out from this horrible hole. For me, personally, I always felt better when I tried to let God back into my life (there were a lot of times, and a lot of long periods where I was angry and bitter with Him that I shut Him out). Sometimes though I wasn't ready for that. Whatever you need to do it's okay. Take care of yourself. Avoid pregnant people whenever possible. Maybe it would help to tell some of your friends about your struggle so they could know to steer clear of that subject? Maybe DH could slip the news in, so you didn't risk an emotional break down when sharing the news. I don't know. But I totally hear where you're coming from and I'm happy to help however I can, if I can. Including if that means leaving you alone for a while. Good luck Sweetie. I really hope you can muster some happiness soon :)

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  14. Thanks so much for all of the love and support. I SERIOUSLY would not be able to get through this without all of you. You have helped me to bear this burden without tipping over the deep edge!

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  15. Emily, you know I can relate! lol I really don't have any advice to give you, because I never have any for myself. I guess it's just best to deal with how you're feeling and work it out somehow ... definitely don't keep it bottled up!

    P.S. - We should exchange cell #'s ... there's times throughout my day where I feel like an infertile mess! Speaking to someone "real" who is going through their own battle would be nice :)

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  16. I sooo feel you. It is truly a grieving process. Forgive me for not giving you the "Don't give up hope" speech but all those ignorant people are going to hand you plenty of that. Obviously I hope it works out for you, but right now you need to know that I KNOW HOW MUCH THIS SUCKS. Today when i went in for the egg retrieval, i felt like they were just humoring me. They know it's not going to work, but figure what the hell? Insurance is paying so let's put her through it again. I have no hope for this cycle. I know you wish you had the opportunity for a cycle and I should feel blessed that at least I'll make some embryos, but the pain I feel when those potential babies die off one by one, either in the dish or in me, is more that I can think about right now. So what do we do? I have no clue. All I know is that what we are suffering is a true loss and the grieving process will take time. Do not feel one once of shame with those tears that come on so rapidly and, at times, unexpectedly. They are part of the process. HANG IN THERE, GIRL!

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  17. I am so sorry you are in a down mood now. You are NOT a failure and not broken. There is nothing wrong with the feelings you have and they are completely normal. I've been there too. But you are not a failure. You talked about not meeting any of us in person. Since we live in the same town, how you feel about meeting? Send me an email.

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  18. Girl I soooooooo feel u!!!! We are on year 6. Have been told that IVf is our only option. The part that sucks (it all does) is we have JUST NOW gotten tests to get hubby diagnosed. Its all sorts of hell...being stuck. Its amazing what the dangling carrot of Hope gets us. I watch others move forward and even fellow IVF bloggers and it sucks. I feel like the kid who failed sex ed.

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  19. You are not alone... I am feeling the exact same way. I am cringing my way through the holidays, terrified that some family member is going to announce that they are expecting. We are attending four weddings next year, and I'm already thinking about how many of those women will be pregnant before me and how many baby showers in the next year I will NOT be attending.

    We have to wait an entire year to start cycling at CCRM, and it just seems like an eternity. I don't know how I ended up with this kind of attitude either, but I just wanted to let you know that there are others out there who are going through the same struggle. I'm so sorry that you are so down.

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