What is wrong with me? I can cry at the drop of a hat. I can see a baby in public and since in to such a deep depression. I pass the baby isle at a store and I physically feel a tug at my heart that burns. I hear a pregnancy announcement and I become an emotional retard.
How in God’s green earth did I get here? When did I become the person that resents every person that is pregnant or has had a baby? Why do I begrudge every friend that has known the joy of seeing two pink lines? I hate this person. I don’t recognize this person.
DH announced to me last night that his CEO’s wife (that I have to see tonight at a Christmas party) is pregnant [AGAIN]. She is just barely older than I. They already have 2 kids. They decided just a few weeks ago to try for number 3. It all seems so unfair. Yeah yeah…I get it God. Life isn’t fair. Point taken. But does life have to be so downright cruel?
So I cried my eyes out last night. For an hour. I cried uncontrollably. I cried because she can get pregnant and I can’t. I cried because none of our friends have a clue what we are going through and how badly it hurts to talk about kids or being pregnant. I cried because I feel like infertility is going to ruin our marriage. I cried because I feel like DH thinks I am unreasonable and inpatient. I cried because my heart was hurting and there is no bandage that I can put on it…there is nothing I can take to make this pain go away. I cried because I am broke…not a whole woman…and because I am failure.
I am not trying to play the pity party game. This is feelings I can’t suppress anymore. Feelings that are bubbling over and affecting EVERY aspect of my life. There isn’t an hour that goes by that I don’t think about being a mom or becoming pregnant. I can’t think about the future without thinking about what procedures or medications I will be on then or wondering if I will be pregnant.
How do I make it go away. I would almost anything to not feel like this anymore or have switch to just “shut if off.” I wish that becoming a mother wasn’t even part of who I am or what I want in life. Sometimes I wish I had the desire to live childless. Life would be so easy then. I could be normal and sane. Instead I’m irrational and emotionally unstable.
Nobody gets this feeling except fellow infertiles. And I’m not talking about “Oh I’ve tried Clomid twice and gotten pregnant so I know what infertility is like” kind of infertiles. I’m talking about the ones that have done IVF and failed…have done every drug and failed…have reached the end of the treatment road and are running out of options infertiles. Those are the ones that know what this feels like. Those are the ones who get it. To date…I have met one person in the flesh (although I love and respect all of my fellow bloggers and message board girls…I’ve just yet to meet you in person) that knows what it feels like.
Perhaps I should make a magic drug for infertiles to numb the pain. I’d be a millionaire.
Song for today: