So after a fun encounter with a certain co-worker today who LOVES to talk about her pregnancy and show me her Bella Band (even though she’s only 4 weeks pregnant), I’ve decided that I should come up with a list of ways to shut her up. Feel free to add!
1. When she makes a comment, comment back with something completely unrelated to the conversation. I.e. “So I am getting fat, look at my Bella Band.” “Did you know Rhinoceroses’ ejaculate 70 times a day.”
2. Begin the conversation with a graphic description of the consistency of your vomit last time you threw up. Talk about the smell, how their were pieces of spaghetti in it. Maybe throw in how the dog started licking it up before you were able to clean it. She’ll eventually have a pang of morning sickness that will leave her running for the bathroom.
3. As soon as she enters your cube, begin silently farting while acting very engaged in her conversation. It is essential to be sure you ate beans and other foul smelling foods the night before. Eventually, she’ll politely excuse herself.
4. When she approaches your desk begin to cough uncontrollably. When she asks what’s wrong tell her you have tuberculosis or the swine flu.
5. Cover your desk with pictures of episiotomies, bloody placentas, vaginal tears, a birthing table covered in feces. When she asks what all of this is, explain to her that your “friend” just gave birth and sent you all of these pictures. Begin to describe the pain and embarrassment that said friend experienced during her grueling birth. For good measure throw in anal fissures.
6. Next time she shows you pictures of her diaper bag she bought or the new crib they plan on buying, bust out your pictures of your embryos and your husband’s frozen sperm sample. Be sure to go into great detail about how much each of them cost.
7. Find out where she lives…print out the sex offenders report for her area. During the next conversation, act terribly concerned and hand her the list. Then throw in “since you are having a baby and all, I thought you might want this.”
8. Make yourself a fest of caffeinated coffee, beer, tequila shots, hot dogs, and un-pasteurized soft cheeses. While eating comment about how good everything tastes and how you couldn’t live without it. Be sure to offer her some. At the end be sure to top off your meal by popping a Motrin because why hurt if you don’t have to!
9. Talk about how your Great Aunt Mildred stretched so bad when she was pregnant that she’s got a pocket of saggy skin that she has to tuck into her pants. For an added bonus, talk about how bad the fold of stretchy skin smells. Double whammy if you can get the pregnant girl to puke.
10. During the next conversation about her ultrasound or OB appointment talk all about how much fun you had and how drunk you were the past weekend. Mention all of the great cocktails you had and how life is so much better when you can unwind with a drink!
[Disclaimer: Use these at your own risk]