About Me

My photo
Nashville, TN, United States
I am a mom to amazing twin girls, a wife, and I work full time. I battled infertility for 2 years and over the course of treatments, a twin pregnancy, and raising twins I managed to gain about 80 lbs. I’ve lost about 50 lbs so far and would like to lose another 50 in my quest to become a hot mama.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Top 10 ways to get away from pregnant people

So after a fun encounter with a certain co-worker today who LOVES to talk about her pregnancy and show me her Bella Band (even though she’s only 4 weeks pregnant), I’ve decided that I should come up with a list of ways to shut her up.  Feel free to add!

1.       When she makes a comment, comment back with something completely unrelated to the conversation.  I.e. “So I am getting fat, look at my Bella Band.” “Did you know Rhinoceroses’ ejaculate 70 times a day.”

2.       Begin the conversation with a graphic description of the consistency of your vomit last time you threw up.  Talk about the smell, how their were pieces of spaghetti in it.  Maybe throw in how the dog started licking it up before you were able to clean it.  She’ll eventually have a pang of morning sickness that will leave her running for the bathroom.

3.       As soon as she enters your cube, begin silently farting while acting very engaged in her conversation.  It is essential to be sure you ate beans and other foul smelling foods the night before. Eventually, she’ll politely excuse herself.

4.       When she approaches your desk begin to cough uncontrollably.  When she asks what’s wrong tell her you have tuberculosis or the swine flu.

5.       Cover your desk with pictures of episiotomies, bloody placentas, vaginal tears, a birthing table covered in feces.  When she asks what all of this is, explain to her that your “friend” just gave birth and sent you all of these pictures.  Begin to describe the pain and embarrassment that said friend experienced during her grueling birth.  For good measure throw in anal fissures.

6.       Next time she shows you pictures of her diaper bag she bought or the new crib they plan on buying, bust out your pictures of your embryos and your husband’s frozen sperm sample.  Be sure to go into great detail about how much each of them cost.

7.       Find out where she lives…print out the sex offenders report for her area.  During the next conversation, act terribly concerned and hand her the list.  Then throw in “since you are having a baby and all, I thought you might want this.”

8.       Make yourself a fest of caffeinated coffee, beer, tequila shots, hot dogs, and un-pasteurized soft cheeses.  While eating comment about how good everything tastes and how you couldn’t live without it.  Be sure to offer her some.  At the end be sure to top off your meal by popping a Motrin because why hurt if you don’t have to!

9.       Talk about how your Great Aunt Mildred stretched so bad when she was pregnant that she’s got a pocket of saggy skin that she has to tuck into her pants.  For an added bonus, talk about how bad the fold of stretchy skin smells.  Double whammy if you can get the pregnant girl to puke.

10.   During the next conversation about her ultrasound or OB appointment talk all about how much fun you had and how drunk you were the past weekend.  Mention all of the great cocktails you had and how life is so much better when you can unwind with a drink!

[Disclaimer: Use these at your own risk]



9 comments:

  1. You are a funny lady!! :) I know exactly what it's like to be around people who just have NO CLUE about tact. It's like my friend (we've all had one) who wears a size 2 who constantly complains about feeling fat to me when I wear a size 12...WTF!! Now it feels even worse. Ugh...those pregnant friends who have no idea how they are making us feel. Keep it to yourself ladies!! It's like the rich complaining about life to the poor....know your audience people!!! (this is where I ment to post this...oops.)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Here's three more:

    1) Any time she stops by the cubicle to talk about her pregnancy or how tired she is, stretch and yawn with massive amounts of exaggeration. Tell her how you TOTALLY get how tired she is, since you just spent all weekend partying. And be sure to mention how awesome it was.

    2) Talk about how great sleeping in is. Then look a little bit awkward and say, Oh sorry ... I guess that's all about to end for you huh?

    3) Make stfuparents.tumblr.com you homepage. Proceed to point out an obnoxious pregnant woman's comment every time she enters your cubicle.


    Thanks for the laugh! I was already laughing out loud and the part about "popping a Motrin because why hurt if you don't have to" totally put me over the edge. Hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is great! I'll have to think of some more as well. Kuddos to Sonja for her ideas!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ha! I am going to have to think of some!

    ReplyDelete
  5. OMFG...Sonja, that is the most amazing website ever!!!! Love love love your suggestions!

    Pricilla...I hear you...I am also a size 12 and I have a bunch of like size 2 and 4 friends that constantly complain about how fat they are! Give me a break!

    Thanks for the kudos girls. If you think of anything to add, I'd love to hear it!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Very funny post! I will have to think and see if I can come up with some others for you!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I agree with you that there are some women out there that are just plain annoying when they want to gloat about pregnancy espically when you are the one trying so hard to get that way. But you also have to think about when your time comes and how your going to feel. You will be on top of the world with excitement and want to shout it to the world. Be careful not to critize pregnant women too harshly. You just may be there one day....

    ReplyDelete
  8. There is a HUGE difference between "gloating" and complaining all the time. So in my eyes there is a difference...and I don't think I need to curb my non-enthusiastic post about people that complain about something that others struggle for. I'd say the same about someone that complains non stop about having a huge house, or a nice car, etc. The point is...you have a blessing that others don't...so don't bitch about it!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I would find out what makes her morning sickness go off and then cook it every.single.day

    ReplyDelete