While daddy's away the girls will play

My hubby is out of town for his first business trip since the girls were born.  I was so blessed to have him stay in town for as long as I did after they were born.  I'd say on average he travels about once a month.  He's gone for 4 days and I've been dreading this trip for a few weeks now.  So far so good though.  Let's hope I can maintain a glimmer of sanity towards the end of the 4th day. 


On a positive note, both of the girls have slept through the night for 2 nights in a row.  While completely unlikely, it would be really nice if they could continue that streak while there daddy is out of town.

I would also like to get some feedback from my fellow bloggers.  Since the girls were born I have had some pretty unrealistic fears that I can't seem to shake.  Before I describe these I want to point out that I am in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM thinking about hurting my babies.  I always seem to think the worst no matter what I am doing.  For example, If I am walking down the stairs with one of them I imagine falling and crushing them.  If they are doing tummy time I think that I might trip and squash them.  If I am cooking, I think that they may fall in the oven (even though I've never once cooked while holding one of my babies).  I also keep having a reoccurring nightmare/thought that my house is going to get broken in to and someone is going to steal my babies and drive away with them.  In talking with a friend this past weekend she said she went through the same thing and her doctor put her on Lexapro (which she swears by).  I have never thought that I was dealing with any postpartum issues, but now I wonder if my weird thoughts are actually abnormal.  I am pretty opposed to taking anti-depressants because I don't think they are a cure all...especially if there isn't anything actually wrong.  What are your thoughts on this?

Happy fetus-verary?

So tommorrow marks the big cross-over from the embryonic phase to officially becoming a fetus!  Well fetuses. Actaully, based on u/s...that happened last week. 

We had our first appointment with the OB/MFM this week.  It still feels fradulent to be sitting amongst "regular" pregnant women.  I felt out of place....like I just didn't belong there.

Feelings aside, we got to see our two beans again.  I must admit, I was a little nervous that one of them wasn't going to have a heartbeat or worse, neither of them would have a heart beat.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I suppose that is the curse of IF.

The nurse did the measurements and both babies were measuring ahead of schedule which if fantastic.  There was some discussion about my due date being a little bit off based on the date of our embryo transfer....but the doctor said "It doesn't matter because you won't make it that far anyways." So we will be leaving it at October 7th.  So according to the fertility clinic I was 9 weeks 5 days and according to the OB (and the measurements of the babies) I was 10 weeks 1 day.

Both little hearts were fluttering away.  174 and 176 respectively.

And now for  a shout out to my fertility clinic that missed the fact that I had a SUBCHORIONIC HEMATOMA!!!!  Thats right...after all of those tears and stress of thinking I was having a MC, there was a source of the bleeding after all.  The doctor said it is now measuring 1mm and that it is nothing to worry about.  Whew.  Would have been nice to know when I was bleeding for 3 straight weeks!

I asked my long list of questions.....one of which DH was especially pleased with: "When can we stop pelvic rest?"  The doctor (who was about 65 years old mind you) looked at his watch and said, well at least wait till you get to the car.  I had to hold back the gigantic laugh I wanted to let out!  Then DH and the doctor high-fived.  I know, I know...sounds like the scene from a sitcom...true story though.

I also asked about having a cercalage-doc said won't be necessary because I will be monitored so closely since we are having twins.  I also asked about c-section vs. natural birth-doc said they will respect whatever we would like to do, however there is a tendency with twins for baby B to flip breech after baby A is delivered.  (We are leaning towards a planned c-section at this....yeah I know I am a horrible person....deal with it!). 

We had an uneventful meeting with a nurse who told us everything we already knew about pregnancy (what not to eat, what not to do, what medicines not to take).  I kind of wanted to shake her and say "These babies cost us 30K to conceive...don't you think we've done our research...afterall I'm not 18, clueless as to who the baby dady is, and living on welfare."

That about sums it up.  We will be going back next Friday for our NT scan.  We are opting to not do the tri-screen because it doesn't give us any information specific to one baby...and truth be told...the results of the tests will not alter our decision to continue this pregnancy.

Here are the most recent pics of our little bambinos:

Maternity Shopping?

I give up.  My clothes literally do not fit.  I haven't gained weight...and my pants simply will not button.  I really didn't think that this happened so early in pregnancy.  My pants will close in the morning (standing) but when I sit, it is terribly uncomfortable and by the end of the day trying to close them is just laughable.  I started wearing my Bella Band yesterday.  I have thrown my hands up.  It's funny...I still feel like a fraud wearing it.  I feel like a "faker."  Damn you IF for screwing up my mind.

With that being said, I hope I didn't jinx this pregnancy, but I went ahead and ordered 2 maternity dresses today.  I have a really important banquet to go to with DH in 3 weeks (I'll be 9 weeks at that point) and not one of my dresses that I own fits.  So after polling some of my message board girls (who have all assured me that tight pants are perfectly normal for 6 weeks along) I decided that rather than buy a dress that is one size bigger for this party, to just go ahead and get a maternity dress that I will continue to wear.  After DH's vote, I ordered these two.  I am hoping that they will cover my belly (which looks like puffy fat belly) and will eventually be able to show off a nice round bump.

8dp6dt

***WARNING-Pregnancy announcement and symptoms mentioned.  I know how much I hated reading about this on other blogs when I wasn't in a good place. I will never forget how hard this journey has been and know that it is far from over!  I respect all of my fellow IF'ers.

I am still soaking in the fact that I am pregnant. I guess you could say I am cautiously optimistic.  As an IF patient its so hard to wonder "what if."  I am trying to bury that thought WAYYY back in my brain.

DH and I told our parents last night.  My mom cried and screamed and my dad just laughed.  If all goes well this will be the first grandbaby for my parents.  It will be the 5th for DH's side.  Hands down it was the best phone call of my life: )

Since yesterday I've had this dull nauseated feeling that I have chalked up to nerves.  It woke me up a few times last night.  It stuck around and seemed to get worse today.  On my way to my car this afternoon I yaked in my mouth at the sight of a frozen yogurt spilled on the floor of the garage because it looked like vomit.  I think it is WAYYY to early for morning sickness, but some of the girls on the message boards say they've had it this early.  I don't think I'm willing to admit to it quite yet.

My boobs also seem huge today and there are definitely bright blue veins popping out of them.  If I didn't know I was pregnant I would probably wouldn't think anything of it.  But it's interesting to see that it really is a symptom!

Tomorrow is beta #2.  I am praying for anything greater than 140!

I like to think that I have paid my dues and should have a completely uneventful pregnancy and take home a perfect bundle of joy in 252 days, but I am not stupid or naive.  So I ask the good lord to watch over me and this baby and carry us through safely!

7dp6dt: I was SOOOO wrong : )

I was waiting to post my 7dp6dt blog becuase I got a little surprise this morning.  I woke up this morning, thought "what the hell" and decided to pee on one of the 2 sticks I had left.  My thought was, at least then I'd only have 1 left for beta day.  Well after a shower I went to throw the stick away...because I just "knew" I wasn't pregnant.  I did a double take a low and behold.......

I seriously can't believe it.  I finally got to see the elusive unicorn...a positive HPT!

I called the clinic and they said I could come in for a beta today....

Today's beta- 70!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you god!!!!!!!!!!!

Transfer and 1dp6dt

Transfer and  1dp6dt

Sorry I’ve been MIA.  I took my bed rest pretty seriously but I’m glad to be out of bed (sort of).

The transfer went great.  We got there at 10:30, had the procedure at 11:30 right on schedule.  Having the stitch on my cervix really eliminated the need for a dialator or a tenaculum which makes me VERY happy.  As I read about the stitch procedure I learned that using a tenaculum or dialator during transfer can cause uterine contractions which can literally expel the embryo.  Given that coupled with my obscenely high E2 (11,000) during my last transfer and the fact that we only transferred 1 embryo, it’s no wonder I didn’t get prego.

Unfortunately, the embryos, despite being frozen as A’s, were rated B’s after the thaw due to some debris inside the zona.  They also had to thaw 3 to get the 2 we used. However, one of them was already hatching without assisted hatching being performed!!!  She pointed out the scalloped cells that would bury themselves in the uterine lining as well as the inner cells that would become a baby.  It was pretty cool.  The other embryo had assisted hatching performed on it.  DH decided that the hatching on would be called January (because he is confident that January is going to be a good month for us) and #2….well because quite frankly it wasn’t doing anything cool in the photo.

So the procedure went well and I went home to bed rest.  Literally.  I spent from 2pm on Monday until about 4pm on Tuesday in bed.  Didn’t get up but to pee and sit up to eat.  Then from 4-9pm I moved down to the couch…just to mix it up…but then went back to bed.  I am hoping taking bed rest a little more seriously will help this time around.

So far I haven’t felt much.  I have had some cramping off and on, but that is it.  No “twinges” as everyone describes on cycles when they get pregnant.  I am trying not to put much stock in ‘symptoms’ because my cousin who went through IVF said she literally had not one symptom.  I would love to see some implantation bleeding, but I also know a lot of people don’t experience that.

So now the big question is…when will I POAS?  Last time I got AF at 7dp5dt, so I am thinking about waiting until 8dp6dt…in hopes that I’ll just start a period if I am not pregnant and won’t have to go through the sheer agony of yet another negative pee stick.  I simply can’t fathom what two lines looks like so every time I think about testing, all I can picture is getting that one lonely line. 

::Crossing my fingers and praying lots::

In other news, on transfer day we put an offer on a house and our bid was accepted!  Talk about a day of big things!  So now we own two homes (which is terribly frightening).  We close end of February and move in beginning of April.

Let’s hope that January 18^th was a day of major changes for our little family all around!

Here are some pics of our little embabies:

#2 (you can see the zona has had assisted hatching on the top)

"January" (You can see it is already hatching!)

You want to put what where?

So....I had a hydrosonogram today.  I understood the jist of the procedure...spread em, put a catheter in, shoot some water in there, take a picture.  But, when I arrived for my appointment today, the room was adorned with chuck pads...as if I had just shown up to the set of a bad porno in which girls shoot all kinds of weird liquids from their lady business (sorry for the graphic...but that's what it felt like).

Seriously!  Was all of this necessary?

So the nurse opened the door to the room and all I could think to say is "Well this looks painful."  Then she said "well I just don't want to clean the floors." and walks out.  Then I was left to sit in the room alone to visualize women with their feet in stirrups shooting saline from their vagina's like a jet boat.

Fortunately, it wasn't like that at all (thank God, because I had devleoped this fear of shooting water all over my doctor based on how the room looked!)  It was about as painful as I imagined....REALLY crampy. They had the same problems they did at our last embryo transfer with my cervix...not opening at all.  So they used some "numbing" cream which felt like scalding water on my insides and then a cervical tenaculum (and yes, it is as scary as it sounds) to spread open the cervix to slide the catheter and balloon in.

Ovary egg hunt!

Just wanted to post a quick blog about my retrieval today......

34 eggs!!!!!

I'm still kind of in shock. I knew there would be a lot, but not quite that many.  Now I just have to wait for my report on fertilization tomorrow.  Hopefully most of them were mature and fertilize and yield us some beautiful blastocysts in 5 days!!!! 
I am sitting on the couch recovering.  I am in quite a bit of pain.  I am hoping this is very normal and not the start of OHSS.  DH and I went to the grocery store afterwards and loaded on up on lots of protein type foods.  Now I am crossing my fingers to not hyperstim so we can proceed with a fresh transfer.  If all goes well we are scheduled for a 9:15am transfer this coming Sunday!  

As promised, courtesy of my lovely hubby....some pics from our retrieval today...

Getting gowned up:

All ready to go!

Reading a book while waiting for the doctor

Just came out of retrieval. Not quite awake from anesthesia

 

Starting to come to....so attractive!

 

Isn't my husband wonderful for getting such a beautiful close-up of me?

 

Doing some grocery shopping after leaving the surgery center.  Can't quite walk yet.  I never want to get old!!

The results are in.....

My E2 is up to 11,305.  I cannot believe it is that high.  Fortunately, my clinic is going to let me proceed with the fresh transfer provided A) we have good embryos to transfer and B) I don't have severe OHSS symptoms between now and Sunday (which is when our transfer is scheduled).

So DH and I are off to retrieval tomorrow morning at 8:15.  I am praying that we get lots and lots of mature follicles and that OHSS doesn't follow!  I REALLY want to do a fresh transfer!

Funny pics following anesthesia to follow courtesy of my husband I am sure!

As a side note, I asked today about pelvic rest (the one thing they don't tell you about on this journey) and was informed that it begins from the transfer to the beta.  If the beta is positive it continues through the first trimester!!!!!!!  Funny how the one thing you are supposed to do to get pregnant is the one thing you are forbid to do as an IF patient.

(I swear this is what it feels like sometimes!)

Spermsicles!

So after a nice (and much needed) hiatus, I have returned from vacation. It was a perfect time to get away with DH, relax, and forget all about baby making.

Well, before vacation, we found out that hubby had another testicular infection (most likely prostatitis). So for good measure, we went ahead and froze a sperm sample (just in case). I'm sure glad we did because on our way to vacation we got a call from the ferility office and were informed that his counts had dropped DRASTICALLY...from about 55 million to 2.1 million and 0% type A and only 18% type B. Our IVF nurse assured me that even if we have to use the frozen sample, it shouldn't be a problem at all. After all, isn't that why many couples do IVF to begin with ...male factor? So $700 later, we have our very own spermsicle on ice. Hopefully we won't have to use it, but it's nice to have piece of mind. I'm sure it will help hubby "perform" the day of my retrieval if you know what I mean.

So back to vacation. The beach was wonderful. Although, after 7 days in a small beach house with two other couples, my hubby and I got a little cabin fever. We did plenty of exploring and a deep sea fishing trip to combat our boredom. I had such an amazing time with him. Just getting away from it all was so helpful. Sometimes I really wonder how I managed to marry such an amazing man. The trip was so awesome in getting us to really focus on each other and not the mundane tasks of daily life. Anyways, there was plenty of time to relax...and also lots of debauchery...I'll post pics from the trip later once I download them off my camera.

So now we are back in Nashville. I had my suppression check this morning. Everything was ALL CLEAR!!!! Yay! My E2 was 53 and there were no cysts. So tomorrow we drop the Lupron down to 5 units (from 10 units) and on Saturday we begin the Follistim. I actually can't believe this is all happening. I am really keeping my fingers crossed and trying not to get ahead of myself...but with DH's travel for work, it is kind of hard to not. Today we had to estimate when our first U/S will be if we do get pregnant. I really don't want to go to that alone. It's scary, because in the same breath...if I don't get preggo, then we modified his whole schedule for nothing. Hopefully that's not the case.

To end on a positive note, our friends that are MUCH older than we are (she is 38) just got their first BFP this past week from IVF at the same clinic. Given her age and the fact that she smoked like a chimney leading up to her retrieval, I like to think that I have a great chance of getting my BFP!

I guess we are officially off!

Feeling less like a crazy betch...

So for a while I could not stand to see my friends pregnancy updates on Facebook and Myspace. So like a total crazy person, i went in and deleted all of these people from my friend lists. I don't know what has come over me, but lately I feel a calming feeling that has helped me to look at these things online and see these women in public. I think for the first time, I am so sure that IVF is going to bless us with a baby, that I don't feel jealousy anymore. It's an interesting feeling to come full circle, because I have been living with this jealousy since we started TTC. I'm sure I will feel differently when I am all hopped up on hormones, but for now I am enjoying this feeling!

In other news, I realized today that I CAN'T have it all. As some of you know, I have been working on my Master's degree this past year as a Nurse Practitioner in Psychiatric Medicine. Well this year, my school schedule just doesn't work with my work schedule. I was crushed over the idea of having to withdraw from school. So I decided to explore a few job opportunities that offered less money but more flexibility. I had an interview today and was just offered the position a few hours ago. One caveat: I would be taking a 25K salary cut. This was the first time that I realized that nothing was more important to me at this moment in my life than having a beautiful healthy baby with my husband. So long story short...I have made a lot of revelations today and I am feeling pretty good going into my very first IVF cycle.

Keep your eye on the prize

So DH gave me the "test" progesterone shot last Wednesday. It went surprisingly well. I will admit that I got myself completely worked up and started to cry before he did it. My wonderful husband was an absolute trooper....I know he hates needles, but he calmed me down and gave me the shot like a pro. He looked me in the eyes and told me to "keep your eyes on the prize." He said whenever I get scared or nervous to just think about why we are doing all of this. He couldn't be more right. I am so blessed to have such a level headed DH. I think the build up was WAY worse than the actual shot. I won't lie and say it didn't hurt, because it did. He did it just like a dart. Doing it quickly made the prick of the needle actually breaking the skin much more tolerable. He pushed the progesterone in oil really slow though and I think next time we will try to push it a little bit faster because it because quite uncomfortable having a needle in my butt cheek that long. The next day my bootie was tender, but nothing unmanageable.

This past weekend we went to St. Louis to see DH's sister and our nephews. We had a great time playing with them. They are absolute balls of energy. I also had the chance to talk to my sister in law about all of our infertility issues. It was quite nice because I don't think she really realized how much trouble we are having. It's easy from an outsiders perspective to say things like "How's the baby making coming" or "Are you pregnant yet" and not really realize how hurtful those phrases can be, so it was nice for her to have a glimpse into how painful this process has been for her baby brother and myself.

We also met up with some good friends that drove in to St. Louis as well. We had a great time...drank way too much (which I am taking full advantage of since I am not supposed to drink starting in a few days.

We are officially a few days away from being "in-cycle" for our IVF protocol. I take birth control through this Wednesday and then wait for AF to arrive. At that point our money in whole is due to the clinic. Then the fun begins!

First comes love, then comes marriage, then come the baby...oh wait, no...no it doesn't...

Ok, I am on my new serious kick to blog daily or close to it. I am so young, but really have experienced so much during this TTC journey. If I can touch just one person with my blog, then the plan God has for me is serving its purpose (as painful and financially draining as this “journey” is). So let’s do the catch up.

Our last IUI failed. We had SOO much hope that it had worked…but alas…it didn’t. I was rather devastated this time around because we had 3 follies and awesome counts (well awesome by male factor standards). I did have an inkling that it didn’t take though.

After this failed round, DH went in to have his counts and everything looked at. My RE called and suggested that given his counts and my PCOS, we skip the 3rd try with injects and move on to IVF. In all honesty, I don’t know why people that have multiple factors (PCOS and male factor) aren’t just encourage to save their money and start with IVF. It’s a business I guess…and they milked us for 3K each inject/IUI cycle….but I have not known one cyster with male factor to get pregnant this way.

So Randy and I went to our IVF class (that is required by our fertility center). $216 later, I am scared out of my mind. I don’t think I realized quite how many needles I’d be sticking in myself or that the progesterone in oil needle is an 22g and it goes in your butt.

Our RE has recommended doing the long IVF protocol (Lupron and the works) and ICSI. They went ahead and ordered all of our meds. We actually faired pretty well. The clinic told us to anticipate close to a $3000 medication bill. It only came out to be $1587. It arrived at my husbands’ job today. I don’t think I realized going into this quite how expensive this whole thing is. Here’s the breakdown for our IVF procedure:

• Nashville Fertility Center 3000.00
• Reproductive Specialty Lab 3500.00
• NFC Surgery Center 2300.00
• Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI) 1450.00
• Lupron 2 week kit 99.00
• Follistim 300 (7 cartridges) 1240.00
• Tetracycline 10.00
• Medrol dose pack 15.00
• Ovidrel Hcg shots (2) 179.98
• Progesterone in Olive Oil (2) 15.00
• Package of 22g needles 12.00
• Package of 18g needles 12.00
• Syringes 5.00
o GRAND TOTAL: $11,837

Damn it makes me cringe to type that out….but I guess everyone going into it needs to know. DH and I have ZERO insurance coverage for the procedure or meds. The only things that were covered were the antibiotics, steroids, and progesterone in oil.

Because I had a massive allergic reaction to progesterone suppositories (I had a Steven’s Johnsons reaction) that put me in the hospital, they want me to test taking the progesterone in oil shot one time tomorrow night to ensure that I don’t have an anaphylactic reaction to it. Since DH and I took the past two cycles off to prepare for IVF, we agreed that testing it before dumping thousands of dollars into the cycle would be a really good idea. The idea of plunging an entire 22g needle into my ass makes me cringe. The more I watch the “how to video” the more nervous I get. DH is going to give it to me just because of the location (and because I am a total chicken).

Well here’s goes nothing! I’ll keep you posted; )

Blogging....for real this time!

I have this awful habit of stopping my blogging every time I find out I'm not pregnant. So you have probably guessed...I'm not pregnant.

IVF here we come! We've officially been told that IVF is our only hope in getting pregnant. I plan on blogging about it every step of this painful and expensive journey!