About Me

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Nashville, TN, United States
I am a mom to amazing twin girls, a wife, and I work full time. I battled infertility for 2 years and over the course of treatments, a twin pregnancy, and raising twins I managed to gain about 80 lbs. I’ve lost about 50 lbs so far and would like to lose another 50 in my quest to become a hot mama.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Uterine lining = FAIL

Well after a week of Viagra suppositories my lining acutally shrunk to 6.0mm and is no longer trilayer.  My FET is officially cancelled.

I knew this was coming...mostly becaues I am accustomed to NEVER getting good news from the RE.  It still knocked the wind out of sails when it was confirmed on U/S.

I have an appointment for January 4 to discuss what we will do next.

Today is the first day where my mind started crossing over to the "Could we live child-less" side.  It is a scary and eerie thought.  I can't imagine my life without ever having kids.  I can't understand why God won't grant me this prayer.  I can't understand why he's decided that a 14 year old girl on food stamps can have a baby and I can't.  I can't understand why others don't understand that not everyone can get pregnant with a snap of the fingers.

I guess I won't get answers to any of these questions.  But today, my heart aches just a little more and I grow just a little bit more weary.  My soul feels broken and I am not sure how much more of this my soul or my marriage can handle.

I feel broken.

17 comments:

  1. I am so sorry to hear that your FET was canceled. {{{HUGS}}}

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  2. Oh sweetie...I have said those exact same words....and I really do know how you are feeling right now. Unfortunately, there is no magic cure...nothing I can say that will help you feel better right now. But, I can send you lots and lots of hugs!!!
    Today is a bad day....but tomorrow will be just a little bit better, and pretty soon you will find that glimmer of hope again. It might be faint, but it will be there. You have so much going for you…12 beautiful frozen embryos, and you certainly don’t want to waste any of those embies on a uterus that isn’t ready for them. Sending love, hugs, and prayers.

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  3. Oh, I am so sorry to read this (hug). I echo everything Carrie said! I will be praying that the seed of hope grows quickly :)

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  4. Oh, Emily, I am so incredibly sorry. I wish there was something I could say to make it better. I don't understand why 14 year olds have babies when they can't even feed themselves and people with complete marital, financial, etc. stability have to try, broken-hearted, over and over. It is completely, totally unfair and makes no sense at all.

    I hope with some time you will be able to feel a little better and perhaps you and your RE can figure out a plan that makes your lining thick enough to do FET the next time around. But that doesn't make it any better right now, I know.

    I am thinking of you. *hugs*

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  5. CRAP! That sucks so f-ing bad. I'm sorry. Hang in there, girl! They say there's a plan for each of us, right? Your baby is coming one way or another...but why does it have to be so hard???

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  6. OH THAT SUCKS!!!! I'm so sorry, and you put so much effort in to it. I'm right there with you on the questions. Its OK to have a nervous breakdown or two!!!

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  7. I am so sorry your cycle was cancelled. Please don't give up.

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  8. I´m so sorry that there is nothing I can do to make you feel better, the only thing I can do is feel for you.

    I belive that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Whenever that will be, and we don´t have a choice than to pick us up again and keep on going.

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  9. I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better, but know that I am thinking of you.

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  10. I wish your lining had been better, but there's always next month. You want the best chance at success! Everytime we see our RE, it's always bad news. Your lining's too thin, your p4 is too low, you're having a m/c... It goes on and on.

    And I can't make any sense of why some people are infertile and some are most definitely not. I get very angry and resentful and then it's extra frustrating when I have friends who can't understand why I feel the way I feel...

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  11. Oh no. I'm so sorry, Emily. I wish those words didn't sound so hollow. This IF journey is awful. We do SO MUCH in search of motherhood, and it seems like the journey only gets harder and uglier as we travel it rather than becoming easier. Sounds like a TTC break might be a good idea...? Of course you know best what you and DH need. I'm so sorry again :(

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  12. I'm sorry. My husband and I tried naturally from 1998-2007 until we saw an RE. After 3 miscarriages and 3 infant deaths due to prematurity, we gave birth to 27 week twins who just came home. I often prayed that same prayer. Why couldnt God just answer our prayer when we were stable, good people? Why not us?
    I dont have that answer.

    Thinking of you and praying for you.

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  13. Thank you so much for all of your support ladies. Your kind comments are helping me get through this.

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  14. I'm so sorry Emily. I only had IUI cancellations, which I know isn't as big a deal as IVF cancellations, but after three of them, and just never getting a CHANCE at a BFP, it was soooooo depressing and hard. I felt like if I can't even get a chance at pregnancy, let alone a BFP, which doesn't happen all of the time, how is it going to happen--which made me feel like cancellations were worse than BFNs. At least with BFNs for IUI or IVF, you know it only works, at best 50% of the time.

    I'm so sorry.

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  15. Here from LFCA. I'm so sorry about your cancelled FET...

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