I am tired of being afraid. I have lived the past 2 years of this IF journey in fear. In fear that I wouldn't get pregnant, in fear that there was something wrong with my lady business, in fear that there was something wrong with all of my embryos. I am tired. I am tired of being so afraid to enjoy life and enjoy the fact that after so many dollars and tears and I finally fucking pregnant.
In light of that...I am going to stop looking at miscarriage statitics. I am going to stop comparing my beta numbers to those that have had a blighted ovum or a sac with no fetal pole or embryo. I am going to stop hyperventilating everytime my boobs don't hurt or I get cramps. I have to stop. I am making myself crazy.
With my new found attitutude towards this, this weekend I actually bought some baby stuff.
First I bought "What to expect when you are expecting." I was going to wait until after my first u/s but I figured, I will be almost 7 weeks by that point, and at 10 weeks it will already be a fetus, so if there is something I am not supposed to be eating or doing, I should probably know it now! Not after I've done all of the damage with that hot dog or unpasteurized cheese.
Then, while walking around Target, I found a wall decal that just spoke to me and what we've been through to get to this pregnancy. It said "Everyday holds the possibility of a Miracle." I thought it could not possibly be more perfect for our nursery when we work on one. Here's a pic (I found this on someone's blog...it's not actually on a wall yet)
Randy also decided to tell his brother and sister that we are expecting. They were both elated. They know what a terribly long journey this has been. His sister said she has a barely used crib that we can have and a TON of clothes. Wow...I'm only 4 weeks, 6 days and we already have a crib!
So in short. I am going to enjoy every second that I am pregnant. I am going to go to my 7 week u/s confident that there will be at least one beautiful heartbeat measuring perfectly 7 weeks. I going to tell fear to shut the hell up. I am done with you!