About Me

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Nashville, TN, United States
I am a mom to amazing twin girls, a wife, and I work full time. I battled infertility for 2 years and over the course of treatments, a twin pregnancy, and raising twins I managed to gain about 80 lbs. I’ve lost about 50 lbs so far and would like to lose another 50 in my quest to become a hot mama.

Monday, February 1, 2010

I am not going to be afraid

I am tired of being afraid.  I have lived the past 2 years of this IF journey in fear.  In fear that I wouldn't get pregnant, in fear that there was something wrong with my lady business, in fear that there was something wrong with all of my embryos.  I am tired.  I am tired of being so afraid to enjoy life and enjoy the fact that after so many dollars and tears and I finally fucking pregnant.

In light of that...I am going to stop looking at miscarriage statitics.  I am going to stop comparing my beta numbers to those that have had a blighted ovum or a sac with no fetal pole or embryo.  I am going to stop hyperventilating everytime my boobs don't hurt or I get cramps.  I have to stop.  I am making myself crazy.

With my new found attitutude towards this, this weekend I actually bought some baby stuff.

First I bought "What to expect when you are expecting."   I was going to wait until after my first u/s but I figured, I will be almost 7 weeks by that point, and at 10 weeks it will already be a fetus, so if there is something I am not supposed to be eating or doing, I should probably know it now!  Not after I've done all of the damage with that hot dog or unpasteurized cheese.





















Then, while walking around Target, I found a wall decal that just spoke to me and what we've been through to get to this pregnancy.  It said "Everyday holds the possibility of a Miracle."   I thought it could not possibly be more perfect for our nursery when we work on one.  Here's a pic (I found this on someone's blog...it's not actually on a wall yet)














Randy also decided to tell his brother and sister that we are expecting.  They were both elated.  They know what a terribly long journey this has been.  His sister said she has a barely used crib that we can have and a TON of clothes.  Wow...I'm only 4 weeks, 6 days and we already have a crib!

So in short.  I am going to enjoy every second that I am pregnant.  I am going to go to my 7 week u/s confident that there will be at least one beautiful heartbeat measuring perfectly 7 weeks.  I going to tell fear to shut the hell up.  I am done with you!

21 comments:

  1. AMEN, Sister!!! You deserve all the happiness in the world...fuck the fear!!!!! :)

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  2. Good for you! Being worried sucks the life out of anything!

    I am glad you are excited, I am excited for you!

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  3. Good for you!

    Even at 10 weeks I still felt like a fraud as I was checking out of the bookstore with my own pregnancy book (not WTEWYE).

    And how super that you already have a crib.

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  4. I'm excited... but not nearly as strong as you! I say I don't want fear to ruin my joy, but there it is just at the edge reminding me of my past.... here's to no fear!

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  5. What a great attitude! My favourite pregnancy book is "Your Pregnancy Week by Week" by Glade B. Curtis. You should at least take a look at that one too. I liked the way they showed a pic of baby each week along with what is happening in your body each week and it was less alarmist than WTEWYE. I always found myself worrying when I read that one and I could convince myself that I had all of the symptoms explained in that book.

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  6. Uh oh. I wonder if I should stop reading WTEWYE???? I don't need anymore doom and gloom in my life!

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  7. this is the ticket, i have had 13 miscarriages and two twin births , one of our babies oly lived 14 days and still all the while, i had undertones of fear and panic attacks but as hard as i pushed feelings around to get pregnant and carry them i pushed the anxiety away and just soaked it up, some were not as i planned but each moment i was pregnant was just as i planned so make the best of every hour, but please acknowldge the fear and anxiety with those who understand your journey because what your feeling is real and it is part of this big journey to get your babies here...by the way both of my twin pregnacies betas were lower than yours and was told things were cautiously optimistic...now mind you there was ups and downs but were here and its good. ps remeber because your art your pregnacy will be under a microscope so understand there are thing that will be thrown your way that normally wouldn't. take it one day at a time and on those hard days one hour at a time.

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  8. Great attitude. I have a friend who reminded me that nothing can hurt a good pregnancy and there's nothing you can do to save a bad one. Kinda helps to realize that most of it is out of your hands. And statistics and numbers only mean so much. Just enjoy!

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  9. That's great Emily! I'm so glad you are kicking fear in it's A$$! :)

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  10. I agree about What to Expect...it scared the crap outta me in the beginning. My absolute favorite, especially for in the beginning is The Pregnancy Book by Dr Sears. You have a whole chapter to read every month, I just felt like it had a lot more substance than some of the other books that go week by week.

    Just my 2 cents :) I'm so happy for you and I agree, don't be scared now, just love every moment because it FLYS by!

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  11. I totally relate to the fear! We just have to push through it! I LOVE the decal BTW. It's perfect!

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  12. Good for you & thank you for setting a fantastic example of the mindset I need to hold during all this too...you rock:) BTW, another fabulous pregnancy book is From the Hips by Rebecca Odes & Ceridwen Morris (I bought it a long time ago in our TTC journey & am looking forward to maybe opening it up in the near future:)!

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  13. Good luck. I'll be crossing my fingers for you. Thanks for visiting my little spot in cyberspace today. Wear some crazy valentine's day socks for the stirrups.

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  14. YES! YES! YES! Enjoy it...I'm not really the best example of that, but I'm going to let YOU inspire me!

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  15. oops, I thought you visited my site, (I got confused, I am still new at this), I hope you still will, and then you will understand my sock joke.

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  16. good for you!!! enjoy every second!!

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  17. I agree with Michele -- good for you! I am glad you bought that book and are enjoying each second of this pregnancy. You worked so incredibly hard to get to this point and endured so much pain and frustration. You have every right to be happy and revel in being pregnant!

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  18. I love the book and I am reading it alrady!! I bought it two years ago so I could not wait!! Another good one I bought is Pregnancy Week by Week! We are so close to each other in terms of our pragnancies!! I cannot wait for your u/s.. I agree with you, it feels like another 2ww!!! :)) Hang in there not too long to go!!!

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  19. You are stronger than I was, good for you! I couldn't let go of the fear until pretty much the end of the first trimester, so I really hope you are able to relish every moment without the fear! Congratulations!! Good luck with the u/s wait, ugh

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  20. Not a big fan of What to Expect. I, too, like Pregnancy Week by Week better. I agree, enjoy the best you can without fear. After 12 weeks, rent a dopler and you may possibly be able to "act normal". I got mine from Dynamic Doppler and highly recommend them. But wait until after 12 weeks otherwise you will scare yourself to death.

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  21. I'm starting to go through the "fear" stage right now. Every time the cramping stops or I don't feel tired or nauseous I start to worry. I hope I can overcome it soon!

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