About Me

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Nashville, TN, United States
I am a mom to amazing twin girls, a wife, and I work full time. I battled infertility for 2 years and over the course of treatments, a twin pregnancy, and raising twins I managed to gain about 80 lbs. I’ve lost about 50 lbs so far and would like to lose another 50 in my quest to become a hot mama.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Can't....stay....awake.....

Part I:


I want to start this blog by expressing the way I feel about my IF girls.  I feel like I am abandoning everyone.  I feel guilty posting about my symptoms.  I feel like I am slapping everyone in the face that still isn't pregnant by still blogging.  It's so hard to be excited when I know so many of my friends are here and still aren't pregnant.  I remember the way that felt.  When others got pregnant...I was really happy for them, but it hurt at the same time.  I don't know how I can not feel guilty for finally being pregnant.  I don't know what else I can blog about since this pregnancy is the culmination of 2 years, lots of tears, and countless dollars.  I hope that my fellow IF bloggers don't feel that I have abandoned them and won't still support their journey.  I know it's hard to follow my blog now and I accept that. I will pray for all of the girls that have supported me on this journey and end this part of my blog by saying I will never forget my roots.  I know how painful this journey is, and I will never forget it.

Part II:

Last night I slept for 6 hours (which is pretty typical), woke up, and 30 minutes later I am exhausted.  I've been dragging my tail at work all morning.  I cannot get over how tired I am.  I know everyone says "I was tired all the time when I was pregnant" but this is like a debilitating kind of tired.  The kind of tired where I could fall asleep on my keyboard at work and not wake up until the day is done!

I have also started wearing sports bras to bed because it feels like a small unicorn is jumping around inside my boobs poking holes.  If it's not that then possibly a small leprauchaun comes into my room and whacks my boobs with a baseball bat.  Either way, they HURT!

I feel like morning sickness is slowly starting to creep in.  I have a dull nauseated feeling that sits at the base of my stomach all day.  No vomiting yet.  Wonder if I'll be one of the "lucky ones"

Sadly, I love it all.  I love being so tired I could cry.  I love that my boobs feel like a car ran them over.  I love the fact that I gagged while picking up a dog turd last night.  Most people would whine and complain about how much it sucks, but I am eating it up.  I love it because after all of this time I am finally pregnant and having all of these nasty symptoms that are getting worse with time means I am still pregnant!

19 comments:

  1. Sorry you're starting to feel crummy. =( I had my worst time between 8 and 9 weeks and then it started to improve. I finally don't mind smelling most food (except coffee with milk in it ... gross). You will be okay! I know what you mean about being glad to have symptoms -- even though they suck, they're certainly reassuring!

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  2. I am sorry you're feeling crummy, but it warms my heart that you love feeling crummy!! :) I think I will love it, too! You know, when this IUI works :)

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  3. First of all, I am here. I am following your journey and I am here to cheer you on.

    Second of all, I am glad you are feeling crummy. :-) I am glad that you are beginning to feel all the signs and symptoms and I hope that they continue to be a source of comfort for you. (but no so ovewhelming that you are miserable)

    XOXO

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  4. While I don't per se 'love' the nasty symptoms I still appreciate them as the ongoing proof that I remain pregnant.

    I hope you are one of the lucky ones who never actually throws up. I really do. Even though that means I'd secretly have to hate you just a little bit.

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  5. I felt the same way when I first learned I was pregnant...like a traitor who had jumped ship. But most of the ladies on here reassured me that its different when an IFer gets pregnant vs. seeing a friend who got knocked up on the first try....now those types of pregnancies make us all feel a little different. I would think everyone here is THRILLED for you after everything you have been through!!! :)

    I'm happy to hear that you're exhausted and that your boobs are super sore...those are excatly what my early symptoms we like. I never had any morning sickness vomitting and I hope you are as lucky, but at least we all know that if it does happen to you, you'll be puking with a smile on your face!! :)

    Congrats again, Mama!! I'm SO HAPPY for you!!!

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  6. I think that you need to get over the feeling of guilt. As Priscilla said, it is a different story when someone who had battled the land of IF and finally conceives vs. someone whining because they have been trying for 2 whole months and still isn't pregnant (or DOES get pregnant!)

    Either way, I will continue to follow your blog and am so happy that you feel like the dog turd that made you gag :-)

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  7. I think it is normal to feel guilty about being pregnant knowing that there are others out there that are still struggling. You've been through it and you know how other may feel reading your blog now. However, your story gives us hope that we too can one day be pregnant with our own.

    Enjoy your pregnancy. Some that can't handle reading about it may stop for a while, but that's OK. Then there are other (like me) who rejoice and celebrate with you. Maybe even secretly laugh at your suffering LOL! But seriously, I do hope you feel better, but enjoy it anyways!

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  8. I just found your blog during the last ICLW, but wanted to let you know that I'm here to stay! I know the feeling of leaving the IF world behind in a sense, but for me it's more about finding a blog that I like to read and rejoicing in their happiness. I always say that there isn't a finite amount of happiness, so your happiness doesn't mean that there is less out there for me to have.

    Pgcy blogs give me hope and I'm sooo looking forward to joining you soooon! And I have a feeling that I would be one smiling right alongside you with the symptoms! Funny, too, that you described the pain I had so perfectly. My boobs were the only horrible symptom I had before we lost Mya and when you called them unicorns poking around from the inside, it summed it up perfectly!

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  9. I struggled a lot, and still do, with survivor's guilt. I am so glad to finally be pregnant (it took us 11 years) but I wish that all of my IF friends were pg with me. It breaks my heart that others are still waiting.

    Enjoy all of your symptoms!!! I don't have any and it scares me at times. Hopefully you don't get too sick!

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  10. Thanks so much for the support girls: ) Even the ones that are laughing at my symptoms! I too will laugh at yours soon!!!!

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  11. I'm so so happy that you are exhausted, and your boobs hurt, and all that other stuff! :) I also find pleasure in those things! Did you know that your babies heart started beating today. It's to small to hear (even on u/s) right now, but a good tech with a good machine can see a flicker! Isn't that exciting! I only know, becuase you are a day ahead of me, and our 'heartbeat' day is tomorrow!

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  12. Don't worry about your fellow IFers. I can't wait for the day that I can blog about my symptoms! Responding to your question on my blog: if they cancel IVF then yes we will convert to IUI. At least I finally am ovulating on the right side!!!

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  13. You are an inspiration to your IF sisters! You help them continue the journey by being living proof that there can be light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.

    Symptoms comfort me and help me remember that there really is life growing in there. Enjoy every nauseaus, exhausting moment!!

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  14. First CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!

    Second, I know how you feel. Be encouraged that you are proof positive that our struggles are worth it. Blessings on a H&H 9 months!

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  15. Emily I feel the same about feeling guilty too about being pregnant while so many other women who also want it bad, are not. I think it's normal though. We have been part of that "circle" for a long time and to become part of the "pregnant" circle now it feel strange! To be honest though I don't intend to leave my IVF boards, I find I don't belong in the ordinary pregnancy boards! It's strange!

    Anyway, love those signs and symptoms!!! Keep them coming I say!!! :)))

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  16. First of all I am thrilled for you regardless of whether this IVF cycle works out for me or not, it gives me hope & happiness to see someone who has gone down this road succeed. I know that you will cherish your pregnancy & child more than people who go through conceiving w/out assistance, another reason I'm so happy you're pregnant. Lastly, so sorry you're feeling tired, icky, but those are definitely good signs things are progressing as they should:)

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  17. I don't think you should ever feel sorry about finally being pregnant after it took you so long to accomplish it! I'll still follow along on your journey.

    Secondly, I'm sorry you're feeling yucky, but so glad you have a good reason for it and are loving it!

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  18. Emily, I nominated you for a Beautiful Blogger Award on my blog. Go check it out.

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  19. Hey friend! I nominated you for a Blogger Award...check out my blog for details!

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