Another 2ww...it's just not fair

How many times must us IF girls face the 2ww.  I have finally gotten the glorious BFP...and now I have to go 2 whole weeks until I can see the bambino.  I have to wait 2 weeks to see if my baby has a heartbeat.  I have to wait 2 weeks to find out how many are in there.  I have to wait 2 weeks to know that I am really and truly pregnant and the embryo is where it is supposed to be and growing like it is supposed to.

It seems so unfair.  I've already put in my 2ww.

In the mean time I have been freaking myself out.  This morning I woke up with no symptoms of pregnancy at all.  No m/s (it's totally gone). my boobs barely hurt, and I haven't felt any RLP.  I need these if I am going to survive the next two weeks.  I don't even get any more betas over the next two weeks.

Seriously....how do you IF ladies do it!!!!  I am a nervous wreck!!!!!!!!!!

Beta #3

633!!!!!!!!!!!

I am absolutely over the moon.  The nurse said that I am all done with betas and we made our appointment for our first OB u/s for February 15th.  That date can't come fast enough!  I just pray that we have at least one perfect heartbeat where it is supposed to be!

Please be normal, please be normal, please be normal [updated]

 Ok, I need some advice (again). I promise I am not as neurotic as I seem. Last night while I was in bed I went to roll over onto my right side using my legs for momentum and had an excruciating pain that radiated from just right of my uterus all the way down my pelvis.  The pain stopped as soon as I stopped trying to roll over and was on my back again.  I experienced it again this morning when leaning over to put shoes on.  I haven't had any bleeding or spotting. It doesn’t hurt to push on it either.

I am obviously paranoid that there is something wrong.  If this was an ectopic pregnancy would that be a symptom or would it be too early to have symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy?  Any other ideas what it could be?  And should I seek medical attention for it?

I am crossing my fingers that it is just growing pains and I am just being a spas but 2 years and 30K later has made me kind of nutty!

Ok...my nurse just responded with the following and I feel MUCH better!!!

"Hey Emily,

I had that pain too in early pregnancy, and I’ve definitely heard that complaint before.  I think it’s relaxin combined with increased blood flow to the pelvis and the uterus and ovaries kind of shifting in new positions.  I think it’s muscular/skeletal pain since it’s associated with particular movements. Ectopic pain tends to be sharper, not positional and not relieved by anything.  I think if it increases in severity or duration you may want to become concerned.  I want to reassure you about ectopic though, in my experience the beta levels start lower and don’t go up as well as yours did.  Never say never of course though, so keep me posted on your concerns.  I take all this seriously, please don’t think you are bothering me!

J Nurse J"

Beta #2....

241!!!!!!!!!! 


I swear that was the longest 2 hour wait of my life!!!!!!!!

I am so relieved! That's a doubling time of 26.91 hours!

8dp6dt

***WARNING-Pregnancy announcement and symptoms mentioned.  I know how much I hated reading about this on other blogs when I wasn't in a good place. I will never forget how hard this journey has been and know that it is far from over!  I respect all of my fellow IF'ers.

I am still soaking in the fact that I am pregnant. I guess you could say I am cautiously optimistic.  As an IF patient its so hard to wonder "what if."  I am trying to bury that thought WAYYY back in my brain.

DH and I told our parents last night.  My mom cried and screamed and my dad just laughed.  If all goes well this will be the first grandbaby for my parents.  It will be the 5th for DH's side.  Hands down it was the best phone call of my life: )

Since yesterday I've had this dull nauseated feeling that I have chalked up to nerves.  It woke me up a few times last night.  It stuck around and seemed to get worse today.  On my way to my car this afternoon I yaked in my mouth at the sight of a frozen yogurt spilled on the floor of the garage because it looked like vomit.  I think it is WAYYY to early for morning sickness, but some of the girls on the message boards say they've had it this early.  I don't think I'm willing to admit to it quite yet.

My boobs also seem huge today and there are definitely bright blue veins popping out of them.  If I didn't know I was pregnant I would probably wouldn't think anything of it.  But it's interesting to see that it really is a symptom!

Tomorrow is beta #2.  I am praying for anything greater than 140!

I like to think that I have paid my dues and should have a completely uneventful pregnancy and take home a perfect bundle of joy in 252 days, but I am not stupid or naive.  So I ask the good lord to watch over me and this baby and carry us through safely!

7dp6dt: I was SOOOO wrong : )

I was waiting to post my 7dp6dt blog becuase I got a little surprise this morning.  I woke up this morning, thought "what the hell" and decided to pee on one of the 2 sticks I had left.  My thought was, at least then I'd only have 1 left for beta day.  Well after a shower I went to throw the stick away...because I just "knew" I wasn't pregnant.  I did a double take a low and behold.......

I seriously can't believe it.  I finally got to see the elusive unicorn...a positive HPT!

I called the clinic and they said I could come in for a beta today....

Today's beta- 70!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you god!!!!!!!!!!!

The cutest dogs ever!

6dp6dt

No symptoms at all.  Boobs are hurting about as much as they usually do while on progesterone.  I have had a couple of cramps that feel like AF cramps, but they are brief then dissipate. I feel like an emotional mess (which is typical just before starting AF).  I have resigned myself to not testing again until at least Tuesday if not Wednesday...or I might just wait for my beta because I am 99% certain I am not pregnant.

I keep trying to convince myself that the veins in my breasts are darker, but I think that my mind is just playing tricks. 

DH and I started looking at a few adoption websites last night.  My wonderful husband has given me the go ahead to work on our nursery when we move into the new home in preparation for our home study.  In the wake of the Haiti disaster I can't help but wonder if our path is to adopt a child from Haiti (once they open those adoptions back up of course).  Only time will tell.  But I think I can say with a fair bit of certainty that my heart is beginning to close to the idea of trying another transfer again. 

At least I'll have some closure in 3 more days.

5dp6dt-BFN

So I have no symptoms and no hope that this actually worked.  I know, I know it was probably too early to test, but I thought for sure if it worked I'd have at least a faint line.  No such luck.

I think maybe God's plan for us isn't to have biological children but to adopt. 

3dp6dt

Having some mild uterine cramps today.  They only last a few seconds then go away.  They kind of feel like AF cramps.  No spotting.  I was hoping for some to put my mind at ease that my little embies are burrrowing in and making their home for the next 9 months.  No such luck.

Today I've gone back and forth from "This is it" to "not a chance in hell I am pregnant."  Has anyone else experienced this during an IVF cycle?

IComLeavWe-Newbie

Let's see, as a newbie I guees a brief synopsis is in order.  DH and I have been infertiles for a little over 2 years now. Very sad.  It's been a heartbreaking experience that NOBODY understands.  If I have to listen to one more story about "So and so stopped trying and the next week...guess what!  They got pregnant by themselves."  You know what probably happened...So and so got so tired of everyone telling their stupid stories about other people that just "got pregnant" or "adopted and then got pregnant" or "just went on vacation and got pregnant" that they said fuck it...I am going to do another round of IVF and not tell anyone.  Enter stage left-DH and I.

This is our 3rd attempt at IVF.  1 Fresh cycle that was a BFN, 1 frozen cycle that was cancelled after 2 months of meds because my lining sucks, and 1 frozen cycle that I am currently in the 2ww.  After shedding so many tears and having to tell SO many of our family and friends that yet another cycle has failed...we decided to say "fuck it." It is none of their business and when we have good news to share, they will know then.  We both have terribly supportive families but listening to them ask day in and day out if there is "any news" is just too much.  So instead...we are telling them we are taking a break due to the purchase of our new house.  

WHich segues into the next topic...we just bought a new house.  On transfer day actually.  DH and I are super happy about it and so ready to move in!  Now we just have to sell our townhome. ::bites nails::  Hopefully January 18th will have been a good day when I get my BFP!    I still believe that a BFP is like a unicorn....or lipstick lesbians.  You want to believe they are real, but they really aren't.

And for all of my visual followers....here is a time line in pictures:

Let's try to have a baby

6 months, no baby

Let's see an RE

RE is a dumbass

Let's try clomid

3 rounds of Clomid and 2 IUI's later, still no baby

Let's try injects!

2 rounds of injects and 2 IUI's later, still no baby

Let's try IVF!

Let's pay for IVF out of pocket

IVF Cyles 1 and 2 fail:

FET #2 (Please God!!!)

2dp6dt

I am so tired I could cry.  Literally.  My eyes are burning so bad.  The only thing I want to do right now is lay my head on my desk and take a nap.  I have also been insanely hungry since yesterday.  I don't remember feeling any of this at my last transfer, but then again I had such severe OHSS that I probably could have been hit by a bus and not felt it.

I am finding it SOOO hard to be positive.  I keep thinking of test time and seeing just one line.  I don't know how to overcome it and the idea of it is just so anxiety provoking to me.  I hate this sensation.  My beta is 1 week from today but that seems like an eternity.

My sister is coming to visit today through sunday so hopefully that will make the time pass faster.  DH and I have elected not to share with any of our family or most of our friends that we did another embryo transfer.   The let down of the last failed cycle was just too much for me to handle.  I thought it would be easier if this doesn't work to get to mourn in private.  Hopefully I won't be mourning.  Hopefully I'll be celebrating.

January is going to be a good month damn it!

Transfer and 1dp6dt

Transfer and  1dp6dt

Sorry I’ve been MIA.  I took my bed rest pretty seriously but I’m glad to be out of bed (sort of).

The transfer went great.  We got there at 10:30, had the procedure at 11:30 right on schedule.  Having the stitch on my cervix really eliminated the need for a dialator or a tenaculum which makes me VERY happy.  As I read about the stitch procedure I learned that using a tenaculum or dialator during transfer can cause uterine contractions which can literally expel the embryo.  Given that coupled with my obscenely high E2 (11,000) during my last transfer and the fact that we only transferred 1 embryo, it’s no wonder I didn’t get prego.

Unfortunately, the embryos, despite being frozen as A’s, were rated B’s after the thaw due to some debris inside the zona.  They also had to thaw 3 to get the 2 we used. However, one of them was already hatching without assisted hatching being performed!!!  She pointed out the scalloped cells that would bury themselves in the uterine lining as well as the inner cells that would become a baby.  It was pretty cool.  The other embryo had assisted hatching performed on it.  DH decided that the hatching on would be called January (because he is confident that January is going to be a good month for us) and #2….well because quite frankly it wasn’t doing anything cool in the photo.

So the procedure went well and I went home to bed rest.  Literally.  I spent from 2pm on Monday until about 4pm on Tuesday in bed.  Didn’t get up but to pee and sit up to eat.  Then from 4-9pm I moved down to the couch…just to mix it up…but then went back to bed.  I am hoping taking bed rest a little more seriously will help this time around.

So far I haven’t felt much.  I have had some cramping off and on, but that is it.  No “twinges” as everyone describes on cycles when they get pregnant.  I am trying not to put much stock in ‘symptoms’ because my cousin who went through IVF said she literally had not one symptom.  I would love to see some implantation bleeding, but I also know a lot of people don’t experience that.

So now the big question is…when will I POAS?  Last time I got AF at 7dp5dt, so I am thinking about waiting until 8dp6dt…in hopes that I’ll just start a period if I am not pregnant and won’t have to go through the sheer agony of yet another negative pee stick.  I simply can’t fathom what two lines looks like so every time I think about testing, all I can picture is getting that one lonely line. 

::Crossing my fingers and praying lots::

In other news, on transfer day we put an offer on a house and our bid was accepted!  Talk about a day of big things!  So now we own two homes (which is terribly frightening).  We close end of February and move in beginning of April.

Let’s hope that January 18^th was a day of major changes for our little family all around!

Here are some pics of our little embabies:

#2 (you can see the zona has had assisted hatching on the top)

"January" (You can see it is already hatching!)

Transfer Eve

Hubby flew back home from a business trip today.  Tomorrow morning we will be going to transfer #2.  We have to call before 9:30 to find out how are embabies are thawing.  I am hoping they only have to thaw 2 to get 2.  So far this FET has been a breeze compared to doing a fresh cycle!  It's amazing....and a totally differnet experience really.  I am sitting on the couch the night before, able to breathe without pain, without a swollen belly, able to hold down food, and not in any pain.  Amazing.  As a side note, with hubby being out of town, I had to give myself my own PIO shot.  Definitely not a pleasant experience.  It took about 30 minutes of holding the needle in my hand before I worked up the balls to stick myself!

Coincidentally, we are putting an offer down on a house tomorrow.  Let's hope January 18, 2010 is a big day for the Foster family!!!

Cervix is stiched!

My appointment went WAYYYY better than I thought it would in my head.

The brought me in, had me hop up on my favorite table.  The put the speculum in, cleaned the cervix with betadine, then gave me a shot of lidocaine to numb it.  She put the stich in and besides the pressure, I couldn't feel anything.  The most uncomfortable part was her trying to manuever her hands down between my legs to put the stitch in.

I really need to stop getting myself worked up like that.

She looked at my chart and everything is looking good.  She said the plan is to transfer 2 embryos.  I can' believe it is almost transfer time!

Dear lord, please let this be "the one"!!!!!

Here's a picture of all the scary stuff they had laying out!

Gonna spew....

Ok, I know I shouldn’t get worked up, but I am seriously SO nervous about having the stitches put in my cervix today that I could throw up.  I won’t be getting any pain meds or anything to relax so I will be feeling everything!!!!

I have been feeling sick about it since last night. I really hope I am working myself up for nothing!  Someone that has had it done please tell me it is no big deal and that I am just being silly!!!

Also, I noticed that I have been having some really strong uterine cramps.  I don’t remember getting cramps when starting PIO with my fresh cycle.  Is this normal????

FET is a go!

Just got the call.....

E2= 657
P4=0.4
Lining=7.8mm and trilayer!

Start PIO and estrace tonight.  Stitch placed on Friday.  Transfer on Monday.

Thanks you dear baby jesus!

Sitting on egg shells.

I'm sitting at work trying to get some things done but am having a hard time focusing.  My lab E2 and and P4 results are not back yet.  The results of this blood test will let us know if we are going to proceed with this transfer or not.


Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock.

An unexpected phone call and update.

Ok…..here goes…..

So at my appointment yesterday I talked to my nurse about comining the two protocols (Natural with FSH and the standard Long protocol)…..since my lining was at 7.4 (which is thicker than it got last time) and since I had no follies. She said all of the doctors in the group were meeting to discuss their IVF patients now and my chart was going to be under discussion.

So…the doctors came to a consensus that having a lead follie doesn’t matter and the only thing that really matters is the lining (which at 7.4 and trilayer is ‘perfect’ to them). So …..they want me to continue the FSH last night and tonight and come in Wednesday to check my progesterone. If my levels look good on Wednesday they want me to stop the FSH and start vaginal estrace 1x per day and begin PIO injections at 2cc QD. She said they think that we could transition from one protocol to the other without issues. We would just treat this as if it were a “total replacement” cycle in which we take all of the synthetic hormones (like the long lupron FET protocol).

I was COMPLETELY not expecting her to say this on the phone when she finally called. So…as it stands right now, we are going to proceed with the transfer this coming Monday. I am nervous that this is going to be a diasaster and a waste of 2-3 embies but excited that they are willing to try something totally different.

My E2 went up yesterday to 350 (from 219 on Friday).

Thoughts????????

FET attempt #2........FAIL

I am noticing a common trend in my blogs lately.  FAIL.

Seems like my body can't do ANYTHING right!  Went in today and despite increasing my Follistim from 100 to 150, there was no follie growth and the lining actually shrunk just a little.

I am not sure what the next step is.  I think there is something wrong with me.  I don't know where we should start looking.  I would think that one year in treatment and 30K later at 25 years old I'd be pregnant.  Such is not the case.

Where do I go from here?

Dream Infertility Clinic

So after a fun conversation with Carrie M., we decided we should open our fantasy IF clinic.  Here are some of the features we thought should be included.  Please feel free to add:=

• 1.       Doctor’s with low patient case loads
• 2.       Warm exam tables
• 3.       Fuzzy blankets to cover yourself with while getting wanded
• 4.       Warm speculums
• 5.       Warm hands!
• 6.       Warm lube
• 7.       A person who’s whole job is to stand in the room and let you cry on them if needed or jump around and be a cheerleader if needed.
• 8.       A reception area with wine and/or hard liquor for after those particularly difficult appointments
• 9.       Absolutely NO BABIES ALLOWED IN THE CLINIC
• 10.   A “you’ll get pregnant this month” guarantee
• 11.   Low/no cost procedures
• 12.   Masseuse to rub your back and shoulders while you wait
• 13.   Stand in husbands-for when your husband just can’t be there.  Of course they would all look like Mr. McDreamy AND Mr. McSteamy.
• 14.   A counselor on staff to help you with all of your crazy emotions and drug fueled mood swings
• 15.   Chocolate in all of the rooms-because sometimes it just makes you feel better!
• 16.   An acupuncturist on staff for before and after procedures-why leave the office if you don’t have to?
• 17.   A wide array of [up to date] “materials” for DH to choose from when doing his “business” in a very private, but spacious locked room-because let’s face it…he’ll make his best batch of baby batter in something bigger than a broom closet with a collection of Ron Jeremy’s greatest 1980’s pornos.
• 18.   Nurses that are all IF patients and know what it is like to be in our shoes.

Feel free to add!!! 

Still no progress

Today's E2 and U/S- still no damn follicles over 10!!  So frustrating.  On a positive note my lining was 7.8mm and the tech said that we should expect it to get quite a bit thicker once my follicles start getting bigger!  Great news.  Just waiting to get my E2 results back to find out what my prescription will be.

Slight fall back

Quick update.  After decreasing my Follistim from 100 to 75IU, my E2 dropped from 366 to 319.  I didn't even know that was possible.  Still no measurable follies.  Several "under 10."  They bumped me back up to 100 and I'll go back on Friday for another E2/U/S.  Hopefully I'll have some development by then.

Moving along

Had my first monitoring u/s and E2 this weekend.  Lining is already up to 6.8 so I think we are on track.  No follies yet which isn't surprising.  They decreased my Follistim to 75IU because my E2 was already up to 366.  Hopefully that won't stall out the follie growth. I go back tomorrow to check in again.  I am fairly certain with the decreased dose that the follies will still be below 10.  With previous cycles I had to stim for 12-13 days.  Guess I'll report back with tomorrows results.

As for the weekend...we did lots of cleaning and packing.  We are signing the papers with our Realtor tomorrow to put our house on the market.  We've been shopping for something bigger that we can expand into without out growing quickly.  Hopefully we will sell ours quickly without taking too big of a hit on it!

That's all that is going on!