About Me

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Nashville, TN, United States
I am a mom to amazing twin girls, a wife, and I work full time. I battled infertility for 2 years and over the course of treatments, a twin pregnancy, and raising twins I managed to gain about 80 lbs. I’ve lost about 50 lbs so far and would like to lose another 50 in my quest to become a hot mama.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

If you're going through hell, keep on moving

I think (hope) I am past the utter feelings of hopelessness and despair.  I am 9dp5dt and AF here in all of her glory.  I oscillated back and forth and back and forth since the weekend between tears, anger, and complete hopelessness.  I am still at a loss as to why our IVF failed.  A perfect grade A embryo in a perfect 25 year old uterus.....and nothing.

Today has been the first day that I have really felt like I can pick up the pieces and move on.  My parents both gave me pep talks yesterday about keeping the faith and being positive....so I am giving it a try, even though I feel like throwing things still.

I know to some my despair seems a little over the top, especially for those that have not been down the same path we have.  Especially at 25.  Especially with 2 working ovaries.  Especially with 12 snow babies. Perhaps it is.  Perhaps I need to really focus on the blessing I have been given and stop focusing on the one thing I can't seem to have.  A baby.

Today was also the first time I haven't been mad at God.  I realized that maybe there really was something chromosomally abnormal with our embryo. Maybe he spared our child from a life of suffering.  It was also the first time I have been able to look at all of the blessings I have.  A wonderful husband whom I adore. A job. A house. A car. Loving parents and family. Three fabulous dogs that are like my children. 

I have so much to be thankful for, and I have decided that I will focus on that to get me through this tough time.  I will pick up the pieces and continue to move forward.  Because if there is anything that I know, it is that we will be parents...one way or another.

So I thank all of you for your kind words of inspiration and hope.  It has helped me keep on going and looking to the future.

Tomorrow I will go in for my beta to confirm what we already know.  What's another $100 for the beta when we've already given them 13k right.

I am looking forward to stopping the PIO.  My ass hurts and I want my period to start naturally so these cramps will go away.

I guess now I can focus on healing my body and mind.  I think I'll start with losing all of the weight I've gained throughout this IVF cycle. 

Thanks again!

Here are some lyrics I have found quite fitting from Rodney Atkins:

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeah

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragginig for so long
You're on your knees
You maight as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, you might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there.

3 comments:

  1. Oh, I am so sorry! I don't really have much more than that to say....but I am sending you (((HUGS))). Keep your chin up, I know it's hard, but you can do it.

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  2. I dont really know of anything I can say to help you feel better, but I'm praying that you'll feel comfort and peace soon.

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  3. I am so glad you're feeling a little bit better. It's such a hard road to travel, but you will find peace and be ready to try again soon. Just remember, if everything was perfect and you had a 50% chance, then trying again means the odds are totally in your favor. You will have your little miracle.

    I loved the lyrics to that song. So appropriate for both of our situations. I am following your story, and hope so much that your happy ending is just around the corner!

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