These past few days have been a complete roller coaster. I go from feeling like "Ok, one failed IVF, no big deal" to "OMG, we are never going to get pregnant...all of our IVFs are going to fail." Every day since AF started I have found myself sitting in my driveway after getting home in my car crying hysterically. I can't even control it. Sometimes I don't even know why I am crying.
Today I have noticed that anger is beginning to creep in. I'm angry at my doctor for not transferring two embryos. I'm angry at the embryologist for possibly picking a flawed embryo. I'm angry at myself for having PCOS. I'm angry at myself that I have let my weight back slide during treatment after losing 35lbs. I'm angry at having to see any and every pregnant woman that hasn't had to go through what I have been through. I'm angry at our friends that got pregnant at the same clinic we go to despite being more than 10 years old, having shitty embryos, and being chain smokers. I'm mad at every person that has ever said to me "Just relax and it will happen" or "Just go on a vacation, you'll get pregnant then" or my favorite "You're so young, don't worry about it, you've got plenty of time."
Why does it hurt so bad. I didn't have a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy, yet it feels like something was ripped away from me. I feel hopeless.
I had my beta today...it'll be back tomorrow. I kind of feel like it was a slap in the face to make me still come in for it. On the upside I got to meet with the nurse. I asked her what the normal procedure is and she said they want all of their clients to take a month off and when the next period starts, that is when the supression and medication begin. Once we get to that point, it takes 6 weeks. Oh, PS, our lab is closed towards the end of December. So, needless to say we are having to take a much not wanted but probably needed hiatus. I guess we'll be looking at a January 2010 FET. God, that seems so far away it makes me sick.
So I've decided to come up with a list of goals I will focus on to acheive between now and then to take my mind off of the obvious:
2) Try a yoga class
3) Get back to at least 2x weekly weight training
4) Get a massage
5) Go on a weekend get away with DH and just focus on us...no talking about babies or IVF.
6) Blog about something else besides being having a dysfunctional reproductive system
7) Start a new sewing project
8) Start my Christmas shopping and finish it before Christmas Eve
9) Pay off all of our credit cards and put enough $$ away to pay cash for the FET
10) Pay more attention to the blessings that I have daily and cherish all of them