About Me

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Nashville, TN, United States
I am a mom to amazing twin girls, a wife, and I work full time. I battled infertility for 2 years and over the course of treatments, a twin pregnancy, and raising twins I managed to gain about 80 lbs. I’ve lost about 50 lbs so far and would like to lose another 50 in my quest to become a hot mama.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Does it stop hurting?

These past few days have been a complete roller coaster.  I go from feeling like "Ok, one failed IVF, no big deal" to "OMG, we are never going to get pregnant...all of our IVFs are going to fail."  Every day since AF started I have found myself sitting in my driveway after getting home in my car crying hysterically.  I can't even control it.  Sometimes I don't even know why I am crying.

Today I have noticed that anger is beginning to creep in.  I'm angry at my doctor for not transferring two embryos.  I'm angry at the embryologist for possibly picking a flawed embryo.  I'm angry at myself for having PCOS.  I'm angry at myself that I have let my weight back slide during treatment after losing 35lbs. I'm angry at having to see any and every pregnant woman that hasn't had to go through what I have been through. I'm angry at our friends that got pregnant at the same clinic we go to despite being more than 10 years old, having shitty embryos, and being chain smokers.  I'm mad at every person that has ever said to me "Just relax and it will happen" or "Just go on a vacation, you'll get pregnant then" or my favorite "You're so young, don't worry about it, you've got plenty of time." 

Why does it hurt so bad.  I didn't have a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy, yet it feels like something was ripped away from me.  I feel hopeless. 

I had my beta today...it'll be back tomorrow.  I kind of feel like it was a slap in the face to make me still come in for it.  On the upside I got to meet with the nurse.  I asked her what the normal procedure is and she said they want all of their clients to take a month off and when the next period starts, that is when the supression and medication begin.  Once we get to that point, it takes 6 weeks.  Oh, PS, our lab is closed towards the end of December.  So, needless to say we are having to take a much not wanted but probably needed hiatus.  I guess we'll be looking at a January 2010 FET.  God, that seems so far away it makes me sick.

So I've decided to come up with a list of goals I will focus on to acheive between now and then to take my mind off of the obvious:
1) Lose 15 lbs

2) Try a yoga class

3) Get back to at least 2x weekly weight training

4) Get a massage

5) Go on a weekend get away with DH and just focus on us...no talking about babies or IVF.

6) Blog about something else besides being having a dysfunctional reproductive system

7) Start a new sewing project

8) Start my Christmas shopping and finish it before Christmas Eve

9) Pay off all of our credit cards and put enough $$ away to pay cash for the FET

10) Pay more attention to the blessings that I have daily and cherish all of them


  1. I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. It sounds like you have some good goals to get you through the next few months. Keep it up!


  2. My heart is breaking for you- I wish there was something more tangible for me to do to help you feel better!! I agree with Rain Child- it sounds like you have some great goals- can I try #4 along with you? :)

    I will continue lifting you in prayer. When I am feeling crushed, I turn to Psalms 38 and 88, but especially Psalm 69- "Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my heck...Do not hide Your face from Your servant!!"

  3. "neck" (not heck!!!) haha :) oops!!!

  4. Thanks ladies. I'm feeling a little better today. I guess it's a day by day process.

    And A, you can totally try number 4 with me!

    Thanks for prayer suggestion. I've really been looking for passages and prayers to get me through these difficult times. I appreciate it.

  5. Failed IVF cycles are tough. I just went through one in August, and can't try again until Jan.

    Good for you that you have goals during this time, and one of them is to spend quality time with DH. That helps. I have a list of goals for the break, too, and I've found that it's helping me keep my sanity and heal from the last cycle.

  6. Thanks Shannon. Why are they making you wait until January to try again?

    I think the goals will help. I'm happy to know they have been helpful to you. Hopefully they'll make the time fly by. Maybe we will be cycle buddies in January!

  7. I'm very sorry, good goals though! And we are starting IVF in January or so, so here's to a 2010 baby!

  8. Oh no ... I am sorry you're feeling so down again. It is definitely a rollercoaster. I have my bad days and my good days. It's hard to believe it's even possible that you aren't pregnant when literally everyone else seems to be IRL. The waiting sucks so much, too. Our clinic is closed in December, so this next shot (late October) will be our last try for a bit as well. And we lose our insurance after that, too. So frustrating.

    I am glad that you made a big list of goals for yourself. Keeping distracted seems to be the best way to wait it out, plus you get to do somethings for yourself! A massage sounds pretty nice right about now!

    Take care of yourself ...

  9. P.S. I have a blog award for you at my site. I know I haven't been reading your blog that long, but your recent posts have really struck a chord in me!

  10. Oh, my gosh, I am so, so, so sorry. I know exactly what you are going through, and I wish you had better news than me. I have to say, though, I like your list of stuff to do instead - I think I might have to pick up an old sewing project myself! :)

    My heart is with you - keep faith!

  11. Amber-best of luck to you on your IVF cycle! I hope you get lots and lots of embies !

    Sonja-I have read your blog and I see so much of myself in your writing. It sucks, but it is really comforting to know that you aren't alone. Especially being a 20-something. It's so hard to fathom IVF not working. Thanks so much for the award. I am just starting to really get into blogging, but as soon as I do I will be sure to mention your blog!!

    Mrs. Amanda-Thanks for your thoughts. Let me know what kind of sewing project you get into. I a beginner, so my projects tend to be pretty simple. Mostly baby blankets....but perhaps I should try something different.