Dear "We weren't really trying to get pregnant, but guess what I'm pregnant" friend...

Yes, you know who you are.  I just want to let you know, that I don’t give a shit about your morning sickness.  And while I truly appreciate you telling another co-worker to tell me about your unexpected pregnancy surprise on the first day you POAS because you “didn’t want to upset me” I don’t really give a shit if you feel like puking your brains out and outlining each and every food that makes you sick.  Please note that some of us have paid upwards of $25,000 this year just so they too could puke their brains out when a co-worker opened their tuna fish sandwich and to be exhausted to the point of suicide. 

In addition, you may consider finding someone else’s cubicle to go to when you want to talk about your plans for an unmedicated birth at only 3 week pregnant. Also, please consider sharing the pictures of the diaper bag you already bought for your husband with someone else.  I find it cute that in your oblivious mind you think I A) care ; B) want to share in your stupidity for sharing your wonderful news without even getting a beta done; C) want to share in your joy as an IF person.

Your couth never ceases to amaze me.  I do hope that you can enjoy the untainted perception of pregnancy that you have that has led you to make the decisions you have made so far in your pregnancy and the etiquette thereof.

I appreciate your consideration in this matter.

Regards,

Your fellow infertile co-worker.

2 Goals down and getting closer to FET!

Sorry it's been awhile, quick update.  I am making headway on my list of goals!

Today I took a  yoga class!!

God grant me the serenity...

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference,
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace,
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it,
Trusting that He will make all things right,
If I surrender to His Will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forver and ever in the next.

I printed this prayer to help get me through the next couple of weeks. Today there was a pregnancy announcement at work.  I want so much to be happy for her, but I can't help but burn inside. I don't want to be the person I've become.  I can hardly recognize this jealous, hateful person I see in the mirror anymore and it sickens me.  Where is my former self?  Where is the happy go lucky girl that loved life and din't cry daily.  I miss her.

Follistim, Follistim, Get your Follistim (no really)

I've got 6 boxes of Follistim left over from my IVF cycle. I also have one brand new unused Follistim Pen. Each cartridge is 300IU.

I bought them for $210 each and am selling them for $150 each. If you don't have insurance and are starting IVF and would like them, shoot me an email!

They have a while before they expire (not sure of the exact date, but if you are interested, I can check).

I will ship them on ice (using the ice packs they were shipped to me in). I'd be happy to do whatever you would like to prove ownership (take a picture, send you a copy of my receipts).

emilymorrisfoster@gmail.com.

Sniffle, Sniffle

No, those aren’t sniffles from more tears….it’s sniffles from the flu.  Why can’t I seem to get healthy? It seems like I’ve gone from OHSS, right into a suspected pulmonary embolism, right into elevated white blood cell counts from ER, and now into this cold.  Guess my body can only take so much abuse.

At least now that IVF is over, I can nurse my body back to health!

To recap the week so far, went to Kansas.  It was great…but freezing.  Freezing + sick= sicker. We went to the Kansas v. Iowa game on Saturday.  The game was great.  Unfortunately my high hopes of resuming my adult beverage consumption (after abstaining for 2 months for IVF) were foiled by my cold.  Nothing sounds good when you are sick…especially beer!  The funny thing is, I’ve abstained from alcohol, sushi, caffeine, and all other “bad” things for so long now that I don’t even desire them anymore.  Ok, I’m lying.  I craved sushi the other day…a craving the DH promptly took care of. Isn’t he awesome!

In procreation news, we received our plan for our FET.  I’ve already re-started BCPs and will go in for my cyst check November 4^th.  Provided that is all clear I’ll begin Lupron November 6^th, go in for my suppression check November 16^th, begin Estradiol Valerate on November 19^th, have an E2 and U/S on December 1, and praying to god that all goes well, our transfer on or around December 7^th. I have to think that maybe God’s plan was for us to conceive the month of his son’s birthday.  How amazing would it be to find out we are pregnant right before we head home to celebrate Christmas with the family.  Granted, that makes getting all of my betas done really difficult, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

So now the waiting game begins.  I am praying for the strength to get through another cycle after already having a failed cycle.  I am finding it really hard to have any glimmer of hope that this will work after being crushed after our fresh transfer.  Maybe going into it thinking “there’s no way I’m going to get pregnant” is a better outlook…at least then I can’t get hurt if I don’t.  At this point, it’s hard to imagine that I’ll ever know what it feels like to carry life inside of me…a feeling I so desperately want.  So the easiest thing for me to do is just ignore it.  Pretend that nothing is different.  That we aren’t doing IVF again.  That I am not about to abuse my body with a new plethora of drugs.  Perhaps that will make the time pass faster.

In goal oriented news, I have accomplished one thing on my “To-do” list so far…..

All of our credit cards are paid off!!  Our IVF has been completely paid off.  It’s hard to believe we did it that fast.  Don’t get me wrong, the VERY generous gifts from both sets of parents helped more than you could ever know.

One goal down….9 to go!

Baby steps...no pun intended

1. Today I haven't cried...not once
2. Today I talked with our nurse and created our calendar for our FET which will be at the beginning of December
3. Today I made an appointment with an infertility therapist to try and get out of this low funky feeling.
4. Today I made an appointment with a personal trainer for next week to whip my butt in shape.
5. Today I didn't log on to a single web site to read about FET's, success rates, stories, etc


I'm feeling accomplished.  I guess I am going to have to get through all of this in baby steps.  But damnit, I will get out of this funk.

On a different note, tomorrow we are leaving to go to Kansas for the KU homecoming.  It will be nice to get away and not think about what happened at all.  Sadly, I am looking forward to going home and packing...because it gives my idle mind something to do besides ponder.

Finally, the results or our beta came back today. Zero.  Just like I suspected.  I am glad it wasn't a chemical pregnancy because apparently you have to take more cycles off before doing a FET.  I guess that is positive news.

I probably won't blog over the weekend...I hope to not have free time on my hands. And if I do, there will be a beer or glass or wine in it!

Does it stop hurting?

These past few days have been a complete roller coaster.  I go from feeling like "Ok, one failed IVF, no big deal" to "OMG, we are never going to get pregnant...all of our IVFs are going to fail."  Every day since AF started I have found myself sitting in my driveway after getting home in my car crying hysterically.  I can't even control it.  Sometimes I don't even know why I am crying.

Today I have noticed that anger is beginning to creep in.  I'm angry at my doctor for not transferring two embryos.  I'm angry at the embryologist for possibly picking a flawed embryo.  I'm angry at myself for having PCOS.  I'm angry at myself that I have let my weight back slide during treatment after losing 35lbs. I'm angry at having to see any and every pregnant woman that hasn't had to go through what I have been through. I'm angry at our friends that got pregnant at the same clinic we go to despite being more than 10 years old, having shitty embryos, and being chain smokers.  I'm mad at every person that has ever said to me "Just relax and it will happen" or "Just go on a vacation, you'll get pregnant then" or my favorite "You're so young, don't worry about it, you've got plenty of time." 

Why does it hurt so bad.  I didn't have a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy, yet it feels like something was ripped away from me.  I feel hopeless. 

I had my beta today...it'll be back tomorrow.  I kind of feel like it was a slap in the face to make me still come in for it.  On the upside I got to meet with the nurse.  I asked her what the normal procedure is and she said they want all of their clients to take a month off and when the next period starts, that is when the supression and medication begin.  Once we get to that point, it takes 6 weeks.  Oh, PS, our lab is closed towards the end of December.  So, needless to say we are having to take a much not wanted but probably needed hiatus.  I guess we'll be looking at a January 2010 FET.  God, that seems so far away it makes me sick.

So I've decided to come up with a list of goals I will focus on to acheive between now and then to take my mind off of the obvious:

1) Lose 15 lbs

2) Try a yoga class

3) Get back to at least 2x weekly weight training

4) Get a massage

5) Go on a weekend get away with DH and just focus on us...no talking about babies or IVF.

6) Blog about something else besides being having a dysfunctional reproductive system

7) Start a new sewing project

8) Start my Christmas shopping and finish it before Christmas Eve

9) Pay off all of our credit cards and put enough $$ away to pay cash for the FET

10) Pay more attention to the blessings that I have daily and cherish all of them

If you're going through hell, keep on moving

I think (hope) I am past the utter feelings of hopelessness and despair.  I am 9dp5dt and AF here in all of her glory.  I oscillated back and forth and back and forth since the weekend between tears, anger, and complete hopelessness.  I am still at a loss as to why our IVF failed.  A perfect grade A embryo in a perfect 25 year old uterus.....and nothing.

Today has been the first day that I have really felt like I can pick up the pieces and move on.  My parents both gave me pep talks yesterday about keeping the faith and being positive....so I am giving it a try, even though I feel like throwing things still.

I know to some my despair seems a little over the top, especially for those that have not been down the same path we have.  Especially at 25.  Especially with 2 working ovaries.  Especially with 12 snow babies. Perhaps it is.  Perhaps I need to really focus on the blessing I have been given and stop focusing on the one thing I can't seem to have.  A baby.

Today was also the first time I haven't been mad at God.  I realized that maybe there really was something chromosomally abnormal with our embryo. Maybe he spared our child from a life of suffering.  It was also the first time I have been able to look at all of the blessings I have.  A wonderful husband whom I adore. A job. A house. A car. Loving parents and family. Three fabulous dogs that are like my children. 

I have so much to be thankful for, and I have decided that I will focus on that to get me through this tough time.  I will pick up the pieces and continue to move forward.  Because if there is anything that I know, it is that we will be parents...one way or another.

So I thank all of you for your kind words of inspiration and hope.  It has helped me keep on going and looking to the future.

Tomorrow I will go in for my beta to confirm what we already know.  What's another $100 for the beta when we've already given them 13k right.

I am looking forward to stopping the PIO.  My ass hurts and I want my period to start naturally so these cramps will go away.

I guess now I can focus on healing my body and mind.  I think I'll start with losing all of the weight I've gained throughout this IVF cycle. 

Thanks again!

Here are some lyrics I have found quite fitting from Rodney Atkins:

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeah

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragginig for so long
You're on your knees
You maight as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, you might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there.

7dt5dt

BFN. 

DH took me to the mall to do some shopping.  While we were there I started spotting...not just spotting, but passing small brown clots too.

I am devastated.  I am 25 and can't even get pregnant from IVF.  I feel so empty and hopeless.  I can't remember a time in my life when I have ever felt so low.  I am begining to think I will never know the joy of being pregnant.

6dp5dt

Today, I was sent to the hospital for a suspected pulmonary embolism.  Around 4 in the afternoon on Friday I started having sharp shooting pain in my back that radiated up through my shoulder and made it painful to breathe.  After calling the RE, the said go go the ED.

The short of it, after 6 hours in the emergency room, my Ddimer blood test came back elevated which indicates clots but the spiral CT did not show any clots.  I was sent home and told to come back if the symptoms got worse.

I am no longer having any symptoms at all of being prego...no sore boobs, no OHSS, nothing.  Starting to lose hope.

5dp5dt

Nothing to report!

4dp5dt

Not much cramping.  Not feeling much of anything actually.  The occasional ovary cramp...but given how big they are, I kind of expect that.  I am feeling more bloated today.  Can't tell if this is flare up from OHSS or just feeling like a whale.  I guess I'm hoping for OHSS flare-up but dear baby jesus I'm not ready for those symptoms to come back again.

I am INSANELY tired. Maybe pregnant, maybe progesterone induced? 


I hate waiting!