Baseline all clear

Not much new to report.  I had my baseline u/s on Monday.  All was quite in ovary world.  I was given the green light to start Follistim on Tuesday (CD3) at 100IU.  Based on my response to previous FSH cycles I am guessing that I will stim for about 11 days before triggering.

I believe once we trigger we will begin progesterone supplementation and put 2 embryos back in 7 days later.   From what I gather (and trust me there isn't much information available on the web on this protocol) 7 days is when a normal fertilized egg would reach the uterus for implantation. I have learned through the IVF process that your body never does what it is supposed to...but on paper if all goes well I am guessing my transfer will be on January 17 or 18.

I feel like I am out here in uncharted territory with this protocol.  I can't find any information on it and very few people on the message boards seem to have done it this way.  Logically, I would think this would yield a better success rate since my body is actually going to ovulate and hence form a corpus luteum that would create it's hormones.  I just wish there was more info available to read.  Maybe it's a good thing that there isn't so I can't obsess.

That's about all that is new!  Hope everyone has a fabulous NYE!  Be safe!

I'm back and still alive.

Ok, let's recap!

Christmas in Florida

I could not possibly be happier that this year was my parents turn with us for Christmas since Kansas got about a foot of snow and all of the roads shut down.  The drive down to Florida was long and uneventful.  Spending a week with my parents and sisters was amazing.  Made me realize what an awesome (and functional) family I have.  As for Christmas day-Santa was very good to me this year. My husband got me my first legit Coach purse and matching wristlet.  All previous “Coach” purses had been Chinatown finds.  My mother-in-law AND mother got me the SAME pair of Ugg boots…same size, same color, same everything.  Great minds think alike I guess.  So I exchanged one pair and got a different style boot…so now I have 2 pairs of Uggs! My sisters got me all kinds of neat jewelry, candles, and clothing.  My sister in law got me a beautiful vest and shirt from Ann Taylor.  All in all, it was a wonderful Christmas.  We drove back to Nashville yesterday.  The drive back took us about 1 ½ hours less than it did to drive down.  Our doggies were adorable on the drive. 

 My little guy riding on the cooler in the car:

Me, my two sisters, and my best friend being goofy:

Hubby and I at a Christmas Party:

My little guy again riding in the trunk on the presents:

3 dogs-partners in crime

My three dogs can find mischeif anywhere.  I thought I would post last nights fun with a paper towel roll!

What mom...this paper towel roll here?  Nope, we didn't do this!

Consult left a bad taste in my mouth

So my consult didn't go as planned yesterday.  I pretty much left being told that we are going to do THE SAME protocol as last time...just with more estrogen.

When I questioned how more estrogen would help given that my E2 was over 3000 the last time we checked it (which was a week before my cycle was cancelled mind you) she said she thinks they were trying to increase the dose too late in the game.  Something about that statement just makes my uneasy.  I get that this whole IVF thing is trial and error, but I am not willing to invest 2 more months of by time, money, and more importantly my sanity to be cancelled again.

So this is the email I sent to my clinic.  I proposes a different protocol that I did quite a bit of research on.  If anyone has any experience with this FET protocol or know's someone that does, I'd love to hear about it!

Here's the email:

" Nurse J,

After my consult with Dr. E yesterday, I did some research regarding lining issues and PCOS.  She discussed doing the same protocol as last time (BCP’s, Lupron, Estrace) but doing the Estrace in a higher dose.  Of course I didn’t think of any of these questions until after my appointment, but was hoping you can help me address some of the concerns.

• ·     The first question is, does it make any sense to test my testosterone levels again?
• ·         Additionally, I would like to have my dosage of Metformin increased.  It appears that all other PCOS patients I have talked to are taking at least triple the dosage I am taking (500mg) currently.  Most of them are not insulin resistant.  I think the side effect profile of this drug is minimal enough to increase my dosage. I am familiar with the signs of hypoglycemia and can report this to you and decrease the dosage if necessary.
• ·         Finally, in light of what happened last cycle and the huge time/financial/emotional toll this has taken, I am not comfortable moving forward under the assumption that more estrace is going to be the key.  I have spoken to several other PCOS patients and have found that they were successful when birth control pills and lupron were eliminated from the protocol.  Many of the protocols started with estrace or micronized estradiol on CD 1 at 2mg and increased the dose every few days (up to 6mg QD).  The Lupron and BCP’s were removed because these have been found to interfere with lining.  Do you believe that this could be the problem for me?  Given that I have never ovulated on my own, I am not sure the taking Lupron to suppress ovulation is necessary.

I am really interested in trying an Exogenous estrogen and progesterone cycle (EEP).  This is the information I have found on this protocol:

“2) EEP - Exogenous Estrogen and Progesterone - In this cycle, you take estrogen and progesterone to regulate your cycle and thicken your lining. This is the timeline one clinic does it on... others will vary by a day or two. Start taking estrogen pills and patched on cd 1. Go in for bloodwork/lining check on cd 13. If everything looks good, start progesterone that evening. Transfer on cd 16 or cd 18, depending on the age of the embryos.”

 Research studies suggest that the success rate with this protocol and the GnRh protocol are the same:

Endometrial preparation for frozen-thawed embryo transfer with or without pretreatment with gonadotropin-releasing homone agonist

I think this will also be better in the interest of time because quite frankly, I don’t want to wait another 2 months before we can transfer. I realize that I am trying to grab the bull by the horn in a field that I am not trained in, but I am my own best advocate.

Thanks for all of your help with this Jennifer.  I appreciate it.

Emily

Christmas lights and infertility websites

Yes, that’s right.  A boat parade..in the middle of winter…in 30 degree weather.  Some of us are actually that crazy.  We decorate our boats with lights and Christmas trees and then join a pageant of lights around the lake.  This is followed by a party that benefits a different charity every year.  This year it was Centerstone.  It is a mental health facility.

Here are some pics:

And for the obligatory IF update:

I am going for my consult with the RE today. I am nervous and excited all at the same time.  I am excited to see what this new protocol brings.  I am nervous because I really want to get this show on the road.  I am tired of waiting and tired of EVERYONE else getting pregnant but me.  As of today I am officially $30,000 in the whole THIS YEAR!  It's my turn damn it!

I'll keep you posted on the results of the consult!

Getting in the holiday spirit

After reading my friend Carrie's blog I thought it would be fun to create of few of my own Christmas cards to send out this year....

For family and friends:



For your co-workers:



For everyone that tells you "Just relax"



For your mom:


There's just so many great ways to express how you are feeling this Holiday! Be creative and tell the world what you really think.

Coming apart at the seams

What is wrong with me?  I can cry at the drop of a hat.  I can see a baby in public and since in to such a deep depression.  I pass the baby isle at a store and I physically feel a tug at my heart that burns.  I hear a pregnancy announcement and I become an emotional retard.

How in God’s green earth did I get here?  When did I become the person that resents every person that is pregnant or has had a baby?  Why do I begrudge every friend that has known the joy of seeing two pink lines?  I hate this person.  I don’t recognize this person.

DH announced to me last night that his CEO’s wife (that I have to see tonight at a Christmas party) is pregnant [AGAIN].  She is just barely older than I.  They already have 2 kids.  They decided just a few weeks ago to try for number 3.  It all seems so unfair.  Yeah yeah…I get it God.  Life isn’t fair.  Point taken.  But does life have to be so downright cruel?

So I cried my eyes out last night.  For an hour.  I cried uncontrollably.  I cried because she can get pregnant and I can’t.  I cried because none of our friends have a clue what we are going through and how badly it hurts to talk about  kids or being pregnant.  I cried because I feel like infertility is going to ruin our marriage.  I cried because I feel like DH thinks I am unreasonable and inpatient.  I cried because my heart was hurting and there is no bandage that I can put on it…there is nothing I can take to make this pain go away.  I cried because I am broke…not a whole woman…and because I am failure.

I am not trying to play the pity party game.  This is feelings I can’t suppress anymore. Feelings that are bubbling over and affecting EVERY aspect of my life.  There isn’t an hour that goes by that I don’t think about being a mom or becoming pregnant.  I can’t think about the future without thinking about what procedures or medications I will be on then or wondering if I will be pregnant.

How do I make it go away.  I would almost anything to not feel like this anymore or have  switch to just “shut if off.” I wish that becoming a mother wasn’t even part of who I am or what I want in life.  Sometimes I wish I had the desire to live childless.  Life would be so easy then.  I could be normal and sane.  Instead I’m irrational and emotionally unstable.

Nobody gets this feeling except fellow infertiles.  And I’m not talking about “Oh I’ve tried Clomid twice and gotten pregnant so I know what infertility is like” kind of infertiles.  I’m talking about the ones that have done IVF and failed…have done every drug and failed…have reached the end of the treatment road and are running out of options infertiles.  Those are the ones that know what this feels like.  Those are the ones who get it.  To date…I have met one person in the flesh (although I love and respect all of my fellow bloggers and message board girls…I’ve just yet to meet you in person) that knows what it feels like.

Perhaps I should make a magic drug for infertiles to numb the pain.  I’d be a millionaire.

Song for today:

Oh Shhhicle!?!

I have to thank She's going belly up for the awesome new word that I plan on incorporating in my IF vernacular .  Thanks!

Oh Shhhicle.

Shi•cle [shy-kuhl] noun, verb, -cled, -cling.

-noun
1. any shitty round or series of occurrences that repeats or is repeated.
2. a recurring period of time in which certain shitty events or phenomena repeat themselves in the same order and at the same intervals.

Use shicle in a sentence>

My period came on the 45th day of my shicle this month. 
Last week, I shicled all the way to the fertility clinic. 
They told me to come back at the end of this shicle.
I feel like I'm shicling in circles and not getting anywhere. 

Origin:
Middle English: shite
Latin: cyclus
BumpMister: CD 45: "wow, what a shitty cycle. it's a shicle. haha." 

Uterine lining = FAIL

Well after a week of Viagra suppositories my lining acutally shrunk to 6.0mm and is no longer trilayer.  My FET is officially cancelled.

I knew this was coming...mostly becaues I am accustomed to NEVER getting good news from the RE.  It still knocked the wind out of sails when it was confirmed on U/S.

I have an appointment for January 4 to discuss what we will do next.

Today is the first day where my mind started crossing over to the "Could we live child-less" side.  It is a scary and eerie thought.  I can't imagine my life without ever having kids.  I can't understand why God won't grant me this prayer.  I can't understand why he's decided that a 14 year old girl on food stamps can have a baby and I can't.  I can't understand why others don't understand that not everyone can get pregnant with a snap of the fingers.

I guess I won't get answers to any of these questions.  But today, my heart aches just a little more and I grow just a little bit more weary.  My soul feels broken and I am not sure how much more of this my soul or my marriage can handle.

I feel broken.

Viagra, Viagra everywhere...

If you aren't into TMI....stop here.....





So I started the Viagra suppositories last night.  As you can probably guess there is a really high "leak" rate for these suckers.  I am starting to wonder how much is actually staying in.  It hasn't stopped leaking since last night. SOOOO gross.  The things us IF girls do!

So now along with 2 estrace pills daily, I am also shoving a suppository in my lady business daily.  Whatever happened to just shoving your man's business in there to get pregnant.  Oh how I wish I could go back to the days when I believed that's how babies are made.

She-Viagra!

My nurse called yesterday afternoon.  She said the RE has reviewed my chart and has suggested cancelling this cycle.  She asked the RE if there was any harm in letting me go on for one more week and see if vaginal viagra and B6 vitamins would help do the trick.  She agreed.

So now I am awaiting my package of she-viagra.  I'll start it tonight and pray to the 8 pound, 5 ounce baby jesus that it thickens my lining up the last 1 1/2 mm.  I guess it's all in God's hands now. 

Having no control over your body really sucks!

So now I find myself wondering....if I am taking lady Viagra and DH and I BD.....Does he feel the effects as well??  (If so...that is awesome and hilarious)

God is laughing at me.

In case you can't read...the top email says "MakeMeBabies."

Is someone watching all of my searches of infertility and laughing?

I also received a flyer from the hopsital yesterday that says "Our family is growing too" with a picture of a big pregnant belly on it.  Apparently my old doctors office doesn't dilineate between infertility patients and OB patients.

Thanks God!

Turkeys, endometrial linings, christmas shopping and other unrelated topics

Ok, now that I have gotten my cynical post out of the way (and yes…I do feel better now) here’s the skinny since my last post:

FET #1

This appears to be falling apart at the seams.  Where to begin…last week, went in for a lining check. It was up to 7.0mm.  E2 was at 850.  Looks good.  Just need to get one more millimeter before we can transfer.  So I make an appointment for an out of state monitoring visit at Shawnee Mission Infertility Clinic in Kansas (because nothing says Happy turkey day like having your vag wanded). So the women gives me all kinds of different numbers 6.2 then 7.0 then 7.1 and also tells me that there appears to be a pocket of mucous or blood inside the lining.  Great.  Break down number one occurs in the office.  Break down number 2 in the car.  Break down number 3 happens when my nurse calls to cancel my December 4^th transfer. Breakdown number 4 happens while I’m at the in laws.  And so on and so forth.

So today I went in, and my f*cking lining is shrinking.  Yes, despite “accidentally” taking more estradiol valerate on Saturday and switching from oral to vaginal estrace, I seemed to have back slid by .2mm.  Great!  If there is any silver lining, apparently blondie that did my u/s in Kansas was totally wrong…there was no fluid in there.  Bitch.

So now I am starting to FREAK out.  I have so much time, money, and emotions invested in this cycle that I just can’t imagine having it cancelled.  So I am still awaiting a call from the RE, but it looks like they are going to increase my estrogen and start me on Viagra suppositories.  Weird, but hey, at this point if someone told me cutting off my pinky toe by papercut would get me pregnant, I would do it.

If no progress has been made by my next scan, this cycle is cancelled. 

Thanksgiving

Family, turkey, Christmas shopping, yadda yadda.  Thanksgiving is like you would imagine it.  BUT, while we were in Kansas we went to dinner with some of DH’s old high school football buddies.  I got a chance to talk to a couple, Ben and Carrie, that has had the same shitty luck we have had.  I would not wish our situation on anyone, but it was so nice to get to talk to someone my own age about infertility and the crappy hand we’ve been dealt.  They have been doing their IVF in the Czech which is apparently SOOOO much cheaper and more personable.  Please check out her blog for more info on it. http://benandcarriemug.blogspot.com/

Race

I ran the Thanksgiving day 5K.  Beat my last time by 3 minutes.  Pretty pleased.

Funny

So I like the fact that fertility drug companies never miss an opportunity to get their name out there.  I found this particularly memorable while sitting bare bottomed on the u/s table. 

That’s about it for now.  Hopefully I’ll have some good news to report soon.

Here’s a little prayer I’ve been trying this cycle….

Prayer to St. Gerard

O good St. Gerard, powerful intercessor before the throne of God, wonder-worker of our day, I call upon you and seek your help. While on earth, you always fulfilled God's designs; help me, too, always do God's holy will. Beseech the master of life, from whom all parenthood proceeds, to bless me with offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the kingdom of God's glory in the life to come.

Amen.

Thank you body for doing NOTHING that you are supposed to.

Dear body,

I would like to thank you for completely going against the grain and defying all normal body functions.  Despite the tears every month, I truly appreciate that you can't simply ovulate on your own.  I mean, I am not asking you for a lot.  Just drop an egg once a month.  How hard is that? Also, thanks so much for throwing in the metabolic problems with the PCOS.  I really appreciate having to work out twice as hard to maintain my fluffy physique.

As for today, I'd like to extend my sincerest gratitude for shrinking my lining to 6.8mm even though we were at 7.0mm last week.  Don't worry, I can deal with yet another botched IVF cycle.  It's OK...my sanity will get it eventually...don't even worry about it.

I definitely don't want to forget to mention how grateful I am for the awesome blemished skin you've blessed me with.  I think they suit my swollen boobs and masscara streaked face so well.

In closing, I could not be more grateful that you completely work the opposite of a normal woman’s body.  The joy of spending 30K this year on infertility treatments and drugs has been fun.

Just for shits and giggles…maybe you could try working these next couple of months.  That would be great. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Your owner