Merry Christmas to all

The girls first Christmas was a great success.  I'll just let the pictures tell the story.

Before Christmas Eve mass...

Harper...

Stella...

Santas cookies...

 Snuggling with mommy and daddy Christmas morning...

Looks like a nuclear fall out...

Mourning the end of the teet

So I have breastfed for the last time.  I've decided that the amount of milk I am making is no longer worth it in relation to the amount of time it takes to pump. I LOVE breastfeeding my daughters even though I couldn't provide them with much.  It was such an amazing experience to have them at my chest and be able to nourish them.  But now they are taking 6oz each and on a good session I can only pump 3 oz.  The problem is, when I breastfeed one, by the time I go to give them a bottle they have tired themselves out....so breastfeeding is becoming a defeating task for my girls.

I don't know why I am grieving the inability to breastfeed so much.  I am welling up with tears thinking about the fact that I am wearing a sports bra to compress my chest and dry up my little bit of milk. It feels like failure I guess.

I am fully aware that I am overreacting.  I just never imagined that this choice would be so difficult!

While daddy's away the girls will play

My hubby is out of town for his first business trip since the girls were born.  I was so blessed to have him stay in town for as long as I did after they were born.  I'd say on average he travels about once a month.  He's gone for 4 days and I've been dreading this trip for a few weeks now.  So far so good though.  Let's hope I can maintain a glimmer of sanity towards the end of the 4th day. 


On a positive note, both of the girls have slept through the night for 2 nights in a row.  While completely unlikely, it would be really nice if they could continue that streak while there daddy is out of town.

I would also like to get some feedback from my fellow bloggers.  Since the girls were born I have had some pretty unrealistic fears that I can't seem to shake.  Before I describe these I want to point out that I am in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM thinking about hurting my babies.  I always seem to think the worst no matter what I am doing.  For example, If I am walking down the stairs with one of them I imagine falling and crushing them.  If they are doing tummy time I think that I might trip and squash them.  If I am cooking, I think that they may fall in the oven (even though I've never once cooked while holding one of my babies).  I also keep having a reoccurring nightmare/thought that my house is going to get broken in to and someone is going to steal my babies and drive away with them.  In talking with a friend this past weekend she said she went through the same thing and her doctor put her on Lexapro (which she swears by).  I have never thought that I was dealing with any postpartum issues, but now I wonder if my weird thoughts are actually abnormal.  I am pretty opposed to taking anti-depressants because I don't think they are a cure all...especially if there isn't anything actually wrong.  What are your thoughts on this?

My new shirt

Today's Woot Shirt was too perfect to pass up! So I had to order it. Some of you IVF'ers will find it funny too I'm sure!

Bracing for the return to work

I find myself having small panic attacks....a lot lately.  The idea of leaving my sweet angels with some stranger I don't know and letting them spend more time with my babies than I do makes me sick to my stomach.  The idea that I will only get a few hours with the girls before they have to go the bed after work has me terrified.  I know it is still a month off, but I find myself panicking all of the time.  I would give anything to be a SAHM, but it's just not possible.

How did you overcome leaving your baby for the first time?  I know I have built it up to be a much worse event than it is, but I just can't stop thinking about it.

Moms of multiples are freaks of nature

Sucky blogger

To say I have sucked as a blogger would be an understatement.  I always despised all of those girls who's blogs I followed and then they dropped off the face of the planet as soon as their babies were born.  It made me feel used as a "follower."  I now understand why it happens.  I sometimes don't have to time to get a shower none the less blog.  So for being pissed off at those blogger, I apologize.  I get it now.

This are finally starting to get into a groove in our house.  The girls are getting SO big.  I find myself staring at them wondering where my little 4 lb baby went daily. Both girls are now nearly 10lbs and hitting so many milestones.  Both are smiling, Harper is laughing, Stella is learning to play with toys.  It's amazing.

I am soaking in my last month of maternity leave.  I am so grateful to be able to take 4 months off but I am dreading going back.  I find myself having mini panic attacks when I think about it.  I would give anything to be a stay at home mom...but that is just not a possibility.  I find myself becoming very resentful of our friends that are able to make that life choice.

Both of the girls are getting close to sleeping through the night.  We feed them at 8:30 and put them down by 9.  They usually sleep until about 1 or 2 and I will get up and put the pacifiers back in their mouths.  They usually make it until 4am and then I will bring them into bed with us and they will sleep a little longer.  Our bed is like baby ambien.  The second they get in it they are dead asleep again.  The only problem is I find that having a baby sleep next to me makes me a leaky milk machine.  This morning, I woke up to find Harper gnawing on my boob through my shirt.  Ravenous beasts!

Breastfeeding is still an uphill "why the hell am I doing this" battle.  I am pumping between 2-6 oz each time I pump so I am making enough for one full bottle for each girl right now.  They are drinking about 180ml (or 6oz)...so when I divide up my milk they get about 1 oz of breast milk and 5 oz of formula.  I guess something is better than nothing.  I just can't seem to stop even though I despise pumping.  We'll see what happens when I return to work.

Here are a few pics of the girls: