Merry Christmas to all

The girls first Christmas was a great success.  I'll just let the pictures tell the story.

Before Christmas Eve mass...

Harper...

Stella...

Santas cookies...

 Snuggling with mommy and daddy Christmas morning...

Looks like a nuclear fall out...

Mourning the end of the teet

So I have breastfed for the last time.  I've decided that the amount of milk I am making is no longer worth it in relation to the amount of time it takes to pump. I LOVE breastfeeding my daughters even though I couldn't provide them with much.  It was such an amazing experience to have them at my chest and be able to nourish them.  But now they are taking 6oz each and on a good session I can only pump 3 oz.  The problem is, when I breastfeed one, by the time I go to give them a bottle they have tired themselves out....so breastfeeding is becoming a defeating task for my girls.

I don't know why I am grieving the inability to breastfeed so much.  I am welling up with tears thinking about the fact that I am wearing a sports bra to compress my chest and dry up my little bit of milk. It feels like failure I guess.

I am fully aware that I am overreacting.  I just never imagined that this choice would be so difficult!

While daddy's away the girls will play

My hubby is out of town for his first business trip since the girls were born.  I was so blessed to have him stay in town for as long as I did after they were born.  I'd say on average he travels about once a month.  He's gone for 4 days and I've been dreading this trip for a few weeks now.  So far so good though.  Let's hope I can maintain a glimmer of sanity towards the end of the 4th day. 


On a positive note, both of the girls have slept through the night for 2 nights in a row.  While completely unlikely, it would be really nice if they could continue that streak while there daddy is out of town.

I would also like to get some feedback from my fellow bloggers.  Since the girls were born I have had some pretty unrealistic fears that I can't seem to shake.  Before I describe these I want to point out that I am in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM thinking about hurting my babies.  I always seem to think the worst no matter what I am doing.  For example, If I am walking down the stairs with one of them I imagine falling and crushing them.  If they are doing tummy time I think that I might trip and squash them.  If I am cooking, I think that they may fall in the oven (even though I've never once cooked while holding one of my babies).  I also keep having a reoccurring nightmare/thought that my house is going to get broken in to and someone is going to steal my babies and drive away with them.  In talking with a friend this past weekend she said she went through the same thing and her doctor put her on Lexapro (which she swears by).  I have never thought that I was dealing with any postpartum issues, but now I wonder if my weird thoughts are actually abnormal.  I am pretty opposed to taking anti-depressants because I don't think they are a cure all...especially if there isn't anything actually wrong.  What are your thoughts on this?

My new shirt

Today's Woot Shirt was too perfect to pass up! So I had to order it. Some of you IVF'ers will find it funny too I'm sure!

Bracing for the return to work

I find myself having small panic attacks....a lot lately.  The idea of leaving my sweet angels with some stranger I don't know and letting them spend more time with my babies than I do makes me sick to my stomach.  The idea that I will only get a few hours with the girls before they have to go the bed after work has me terrified.  I know it is still a month off, but I find myself panicking all of the time.  I would give anything to be a SAHM, but it's just not possible.

How did you overcome leaving your baby for the first time?  I know I have built it up to be a much worse event than it is, but I just can't stop thinking about it.