Sucky blogger

To say I have sucked as a blogger would be an understatement.  I always despised all of those girls who's blogs I followed and then they dropped off the face of the planet as soon as their babies were born.  It made me feel used as a "follower."  I now understand why it happens.  I sometimes don't have to time to get a shower none the less blog.  So for being pissed off at those blogger, I apologize.  I get it now.

This are finally starting to get into a groove in our house.  The girls are getting SO big.  I find myself staring at them wondering where my little 4 lb baby went daily. Both girls are now nearly 10lbs and hitting so many milestones.  Both are smiling, Harper is laughing, Stella is learning to play with toys.  It's amazing.

I am soaking in my last month of maternity leave.  I am so grateful to be able to take 4 months off but I am dreading going back.  I find myself having mini panic attacks when I think about it.  I would give anything to be a stay at home mom...but that is just not a possibility.  I find myself becoming very resentful of our friends that are able to make that life choice.

Both of the girls are getting close to sleeping through the night.  We feed them at 8:30 and put them down by 9.  They usually sleep until about 1 or 2 and I will get up and put the pacifiers back in their mouths.  They usually make it until 4am and then I will bring them into bed with us and they will sleep a little longer.  Our bed is like baby ambien.  The second they get in it they are dead asleep again.  The only problem is I find that having a baby sleep next to me makes me a leaky milk machine.  This morning, I woke up to find Harper gnawing on my boob through my shirt.  Ravenous beasts!

Breastfeeding is still an uphill "why the hell am I doing this" battle.  I am pumping between 2-6 oz each time I pump so I am making enough for one full bottle for each girl right now.  They are drinking about 180ml (or 6oz)...so when I divide up my milk they get about 1 oz of breast milk and 5 oz of formula.  I guess something is better than nothing.  I just can't seem to stop even though I despise pumping.  We'll see what happens when I return to work.

Here are a few pics of the girls:

Trying to find my former body

Well DH and I started P90X 3 weeks ago.  I hit a point where the pregnancy weight was just not coming off anymore and I still had about 16lbs left to lose.  In total I gained about 45lbs (I am just guessing because in the last 2 or so weeks I didn't bother weighing myself). After 2 weeks of P90X I've lost 5lbs. 

I must say the program is really intense.  I've never done most of the workouts in the DVDs and you REALLY feel the burn the next day. I am quite surprised with the intensity for a home workout! 

I am still rocking the maternity clothing.  I've tried several times to put on some of my non-maternity things and they simply don't fit.  Some of them will button, but they form such an obscence muffin top that I'd rather not.  My goal is to be back into my clothing before I return to work in January which I think is really doable.  I am struggling with my abdominal muscles because it split from bottom to top through the middle during the pregnancy.  After I gave birth the doctor said there was about a 2 inch gap between the abdominal walls. 

I have absolutely no desire to wear a 2 piece suit again but I would like to at least be able to wear normal clothing and look thinner and fit.

So for now I will keep fighting the good fight!

Beer, brats, and babies

This past weekend was the girls first outdoor activity. We took them to the Nashville Oktoberfest. They were dead asleep through the festival.  It gave mom and dad a chance to feel human and enjoy a beer and some sunshine. We are beginning to figure out how difficult maneuvering a double stroller is in crowds.


After the festival we decided to go out to a nice lunch at the Cheesecake factory.  We could not have asked the girls to behave better!  We ordered our food and then fed the girls their bottles at the table.  We did get some odd glares, but if the table is good enough for us to eat at, then it’s good enough for the girls to eat at. They both finished their bottles just as our food came to the table.  Harper and Stella sat in their car seats quietly and watched us eat.  If you have ever eaten at the Cheesecake factory before, you know how crowded it can get and how long the lines for the bathroom can be (and there is only one changing table inside of the handicapped stall).  Unfortunately the long lines in the womens bathroom, meant that dad had to change the girls diapers in the men’s bathroom.  Dad was a rock-star and had both girls changed without a hitch.  After lunch, the girls enjoyed their first shopping trip at the mall.  All in all it was a good day out!  We are beginning to feel more comfortable traveling outside of the house with them and incorporating their activities and feedings into ours.
Both girls have also been sleeping really well.  They usually go about 4 ours at night before they wake up for their feeding.  If they are really fussy, we will put them in our bed and they seem to fall right asleep! I think they like mom and dad’s bed.  What do you think?

Frick and Frack Friday

Here are the proofs from yesterdays photoshoot.  I can't wait to get the rest of the photos!

Long and thin to double chinned

Today marks Harper and Stella’s 6th week since they joined our lives.  Six weeks ago they came into this world weighing 4lbs, 12 oz (Harper)  and 5lbs, 3oz (Stella).  At today’s pediatricians appointment Harper weighed 7lbs, 5 1/2 oz and Stella was 7lbs 10oz.  It’s amazing to see how much they have changed over the course of a few weeks-from long, skinny, boney babies, to round, chubby, double chinned, healthy babies.
Today also marked mom’s first trip out of the house with the girls.  Let me tell you-it takes A LOT of time to get two babies dressed and ready to leave the house. Let’s just say we were a few minutes behind despite leaving 2 hours for the entire “getting ready” process. All in all the first trip out alone went well.  No melt downs and no screaming fits.
Now that the temperature is dropping, the girls are getting to wear some of their warm fleece outfits and cute jackets. All of this cold weather has made Randy and I excited to celebrate our first Christmas as a family of 4.  Unfortunately, due to the girls prematurity and one of the worst expected flu and RSV seasons, we are not going to be able to travel to see our families this year-something we look forward to every year. So we will be making some of our own traditions and plan to make the most out of our first Thanksgiving and Christmas by ourselves.
And now for some random cuteness:
Harper in her Maya Wrap-the only way mommy can get anything done with a fussy baby
Harper and Stella snuggling in their boppy pillow.

PCOS wins again

I am so blessed to have my two beautiful daughters.  Words cannot describe how grateful I am for these miracles.  But PCOS has taken something else from me...the ability to breastfeed. 

After struggling for weeks and thinking "just wait,  your milk supply will come in," it turns out it won't. I spoke with a lactation consultant who suggested that my infertility is likely the reason for my low milk supply.  After looking it up on the internet, it seems that this is a common problem with women with PCOS.

I tried all of the supplements, teas, power pumping, nursing on demand....you name it, I tried it.

Currently all I am able to pump is about 1oz....2 if I am lucky.  The only time I get more than that is at 3:30 in the morning.  I'll get about 3oz during that pump.

I am still nursing the girls. I nurse one baby at each feeding...alternating every time.  So I will breastfeed which ever babies turn it is...then give her a bottle...then pump.  The whole process takes about an hour to an hour and a half.  It is so frustrating to do all of that and know that I am giving my girls so little breast milk.

Society has made this whole expreience quite difficult and traumatic for me.  I have been made to feel like I am not doing enough.  Like I am not trying hard enough.  It sucks.  There is nothing more that I want than to be able to breast feed my girls and I feel like that precious experience is being taken from me. 

So for now I will continue to pump and give them the very little breast milk that I can produce, but at some point I will have to decide when the output is not worth the payoff.  Right now their bottles are about 1/3 to 1/2 breast milk...but as we continue to increase the amount of formula, this amount becomes less and less.

I'd love to hear from anyone that had low supply issues and how long you tried to breastfeed for!

Long overdue-The Birth Story!

I must appologize for being a crappy blogger and leaving you hanging after the girls were born.  It's been a whirlwind experience.  So here goes nothing...

August 24, 2010- At 2 am I woke up with HORRIBLE contractions.  They were bad enough that I got out of bed, walked around the house for a while, cried, tried to fall asleep in the rocker in the nursery, cried some more, took a hot bath (which I know is bad...but I was in so much pain), cried some more, sat on the couch until the sun came up.  Oh...and then I cried some more.  By the time DH got up, he knew I was just miserable.

I was timing my contractions and they were all over the place...some at 2 minutes apart, some at 10 minutes apart.  I was scheduled for a doctors appointment later that afternoon.  DH decided to work from home that morning to keep an eye on me.  Around 7:30am I went to the bathroom and noticed some spotting. 10 minutes later I had to pee again (big surprise) and this time I noticed that my mucous plug had come out and that the spotting was a little bit more substantial. That coupled with the fact that the contractions seemed to be getting worse and worse earned a call to Labor and Delivery.  They suggested that I just come on in and get checked out (mind you...I was just there 2 days ago and they sent me home).

We arrived at L&D around 9am and our nurse that we had last time, Annie, took us back.  After about an hour and 5 or 6 different nurses taking a crack at it...the fetal monitors were on.  Low and behold I was having pretty consistent contractions at 2 minutes apart.  Much stronger than last time.  The doctor came in after we were all situated and checked my cervix.  1cm.  Shit.  Seriously...1 cm.  That is what I was at 2 days ago when I came in.  The doctor wrote me off and said this is just more preterm labor.  He suggested doing some blood work.  In the mean time he gave me a shot of terbutaline to stop the contractions.  He said if this was just preterm labor the terbutaline should stop the contractions.  It did not stop them!

So I sat curled up in the hospital bed grabbing the arm rails crying for hours while poor DH sat there and listened to me. After several hours a group of surgeons came in and were questioning my pain.  When I described it to them they said that they thought I had appendicitis.  They told me that the pain coupled with my blood work coming back with high white blood cell counts lead them to believe that it was appendicitis.  The surgeon informed me that because of this pregnancy they would not be able to operate laproscopically but rather through a several inch incision that they would make on my right side above my hip.  To be honest I was in such pain that none of this was registering.  The only thing I kept asking is if they were going to cut me open, can they please take the babies out...to which my OB said "no."  (Asshole).

My doctor came back a little while later and informed me that they were going to wait for a little while to see what happened before taking me back for "exploratory surgery."  Finally, after crying for hours in the hospital, the doctor agreed to give me some pain meds.  Ahh sweet relief.  Funny thing is, the nurses kept coming in my room saying "you dont look like someone that has appendicitis...you look like you are in labor."

The rest of the afternoon is kind of hazy.  God bless pain meds.  At some point my husband left to go home and let the dogs out and pick up a change of clothes for himself as it was becoming abundantly clear that we weren't going home.

The doctor came back in later that afternoon and checked my cervix again.  3cm. Yes...3cm.  It might not be much but to me it meant that I was in labor and that there was finally and end in sight!  The doctors response... "Well it looks like you are in labor."  (Dumbass)

Around 11pm I was finally given an epidural.  After 4 tries the epidural was in place.  Most people cringe when I tell them that...but after being in labor for nearly 24 hours, you could have sawed off my pinky toe and it wouldn't have affected me.  Finally, I was feeling better.  It was the first time I felt complete relief in 3 weeks (which is how long I battled preterm labor). They also placed my catheter in....although...I can't lie...I really don't remember that happening.

August 25, 2010: At about 4am the nurse came in to check on me.  While she was checking the monitors, etc I felt like the cather had been moved or come out because I thought I felt urine all over the bed.  The nurse checked and said "Nope, that's not urine...your water just broke."  YESSSSSSSSSSSS......there was no turning back now.  For the first time I felt completely relaxed because I knew the doctor could not send me home in pain.  I knew that my babies were coming.

Around 9am a team of surgeons came in and did the whole "Oh, I guess you were in labor" routine.  Not the "Sorry  we almost sliced you open for no reason" routine I was expecting.

A new doctor came in shortly after and checked my cervix again.  I think I was dialted to 7cm at this point and 100% effaced.

Another hour or 2 later I was dilated to 9.  They finally started to get me and DH ready for delivery in the OR. 

At 10am or so they came in and checked me again.  I was nearly 10cm.  We did a few "practice pushes" in the room before they took DH and I to the OR.  I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.  My plan was always to have a c-section.  The decision to have a vaginal delivery came really late in the game.

Around 11:30 they took us back to the OR.  The OR was tiny...much smaller than I expected.  There were 14 people in this little room including DH and I.  They had me move to the OR bed and put my legs in stirrups.  Truth be told, I had nothing to do with the movement of the legs because I had no sensation in them at all.  I probably started pushing around 12ish.  After 20 or so pushes Harper Elizabeth was born at 12:22pm weighing4lbs, 10oz and was 16.25" long and 3 pushes later Stella Christine was born at 12:32 pm weighing 5lbs 3oz and was 18.25" long.

Harper was immediately taken to the NICU and put on a ventilator to help her breathe.  Stella stayed in the OR briefly.  They even set her on my chest to see.  It was the most incredible experience of my life.  I will never forget the way DH looked at me when they announced it was two girls.  A pure look of terror and excitement. 

They took both girls to the NICU while they finished me up.  I apparently had some pretty severe hemorrhaging because I remember hearing the doctor say "We've given her everything on the cart" as one of the docs asked for more bleeding medication.  They gave me several minutes of  the most painful fundal massage ever.  The fundal massage was definitely the most painful part of the whole experience!  They put a few stitches in to close a small tear and then I was wheeled back to my room.

I was in and out of it during recovery...probably because of all of the meds and because I had lost so much blood.  DH was able to go to the NICU to be with the girls.  About 5 hours later I was finally able to go see my baby girls.  It was the most incredible experience ever.  They were the most beautiful babies I have ever seen and I instantly fell in love with them.

Long story short....after 11 days in the NICU, we finally were able to bring our girls home.  Being a mommy is hands down the most amazing thing I've ever done.  I am in awe every time I look at them.  God is good.