Oh Shhhicle!?!

I have to thank She's going belly up for the awesome new word that I plan on incorporating in my IF vernacular .  Thanks!

Oh Shhhicle.

Shi•cle [shy-kuhl] noun, verb, -cled, -cling.

-noun
1. any shitty round or series of occurrences that repeats or is repeated.
2. a recurring period of time in which certain shitty events or phenomena repeat themselves in the same order and at the same intervals.

Use shicle in a sentence>

My period came on the 45th day of my shicle this month. 
Last week, I shicled all the way to the fertility clinic. 
They told me to come back at the end of this shicle.
I feel like I'm shicling in circles and not getting anywhere. 

Origin:
Middle English: shite
Latin: cyclus
BumpMister: CD 45: "wow, what a shitty cycle. it's a shicle. haha." 

Uterine lining = FAIL

Well after a week of Viagra suppositories my lining acutally shrunk to 6.0mm and is no longer trilayer.  My FET is officially cancelled.

I knew this was coming...mostly becaues I am accustomed to NEVER getting good news from the RE.  It still knocked the wind out of sails when it was confirmed on U/S.

I have an appointment for January 4 to discuss what we will do next.

Today is the first day where my mind started crossing over to the "Could we live child-less" side.  It is a scary and eerie thought.  I can't imagine my life without ever having kids.  I can't understand why God won't grant me this prayer.  I can't understand why he's decided that a 14 year old girl on food stamps can have a baby and I can't.  I can't understand why others don't understand that not everyone can get pregnant with a snap of the fingers.

I guess I won't get answers to any of these questions.  But today, my heart aches just a little more and I grow just a little bit more weary.  My soul feels broken and I am not sure how much more of this my soul or my marriage can handle.

I feel broken.

Viagra, Viagra everywhere...

If you aren't into TMI....stop here.....





So I started the Viagra suppositories last night.  As you can probably guess there is a really high "leak" rate for these suckers.  I am starting to wonder how much is actually staying in.  It hasn't stopped leaking since last night. SOOOO gross.  The things us IF girls do!

So now along with 2 estrace pills daily, I am also shoving a suppository in my lady business daily.  Whatever happened to just shoving your man's business in there to get pregnant.  Oh how I wish I could go back to the days when I believed that's how babies are made.

She-Viagra!

My nurse called yesterday afternoon.  She said the RE has reviewed my chart and has suggested cancelling this cycle.  She asked the RE if there was any harm in letting me go on for one more week and see if vaginal viagra and B6 vitamins would help do the trick.  She agreed.

So now I am awaiting my package of she-viagra.  I'll start it tonight and pray to the 8 pound, 5 ounce baby jesus that it thickens my lining up the last 1 1/2 mm.  I guess it's all in God's hands now. 

Having no control over your body really sucks!

So now I find myself wondering....if I am taking lady Viagra and DH and I BD.....Does he feel the effects as well??  (If so...that is awesome and hilarious)

God is laughing at me.

In case you can't read...the top email says "MakeMeBabies."

Is someone watching all of my searches of infertility and laughing?

I also received a flyer from the hopsital yesterday that says "Our family is growing too" with a picture of a big pregnant belly on it.  Apparently my old doctors office doesn't dilineate between infertility patients and OB patients.

Thanks God!

Turkeys, endometrial linings, christmas shopping and other unrelated topics

Ok, now that I have gotten my cynical post out of the way (and yes…I do feel better now) here’s the skinny since my last post:

FET #1

This appears to be falling apart at the seams.  Where to begin…last week, went in for a lining check. It was up to 7.0mm.  E2 was at 850.  Looks good.  Just need to get one more millimeter before we can transfer.  So I make an appointment for an out of state monitoring visit at Shawnee Mission Infertility Clinic in Kansas (because nothing says Happy turkey day like having your vag wanded). So the women gives me all kinds of different numbers 6.2 then 7.0 then 7.1 and also tells me that there appears to be a pocket of mucous or blood inside the lining.  Great.  Break down number one occurs in the office.  Break down number 2 in the car.  Break down number 3 happens when my nurse calls to cancel my December 4^th transfer. Breakdown number 4 happens while I’m at the in laws.  And so on and so forth.

So today I went in, and my f*cking lining is shrinking.  Yes, despite “accidentally” taking more estradiol valerate on Saturday and switching from oral to vaginal estrace, I seemed to have back slid by .2mm.  Great!  If there is any silver lining, apparently blondie that did my u/s in Kansas was totally wrong…there was no fluid in there.  Bitch.

So now I am starting to FREAK out.  I have so much time, money, and emotions invested in this cycle that I just can’t imagine having it cancelled.  So I am still awaiting a call from the RE, but it looks like they are going to increase my estrogen and start me on Viagra suppositories.  Weird, but hey, at this point if someone told me cutting off my pinky toe by papercut would get me pregnant, I would do it.

If no progress has been made by my next scan, this cycle is cancelled. 

Thanksgiving

Family, turkey, Christmas shopping, yadda yadda.  Thanksgiving is like you would imagine it.  BUT, while we were in Kansas we went to dinner with some of DH’s old high school football buddies.  I got a chance to talk to a couple, Ben and Carrie, that has had the same shitty luck we have had.  I would not wish our situation on anyone, but it was so nice to get to talk to someone my own age about infertility and the crappy hand we’ve been dealt.  They have been doing their IVF in the Czech which is apparently SOOOO much cheaper and more personable.  Please check out her blog for more info on it. http://benandcarriemug.blogspot.com/

Race

I ran the Thanksgiving day 5K.  Beat my last time by 3 minutes.  Pretty pleased.

Funny

So I like the fact that fertility drug companies never miss an opportunity to get their name out there.  I found this particularly memorable while sitting bare bottomed on the u/s table. 

That’s about it for now.  Hopefully I’ll have some good news to report soon.

Here’s a little prayer I’ve been trying this cycle….

Prayer to St. Gerard

O good St. Gerard, powerful intercessor before the throne of God, wonder-worker of our day, I call upon you and seek your help. While on earth, you always fulfilled God's designs; help me, too, always do God's holy will. Beseech the master of life, from whom all parenthood proceeds, to bless me with offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the kingdom of God's glory in the life to come.

Amen.

Thank you body for doing NOTHING that you are supposed to.

Dear body,

I would like to thank you for completely going against the grain and defying all normal body functions.  Despite the tears every month, I truly appreciate that you can't simply ovulate on your own.  I mean, I am not asking you for a lot.  Just drop an egg once a month.  How hard is that? Also, thanks so much for throwing in the metabolic problems with the PCOS.  I really appreciate having to work out twice as hard to maintain my fluffy physique.

As for today, I'd like to extend my sincerest gratitude for shrinking my lining to 6.8mm even though we were at 7.0mm last week.  Don't worry, I can deal with yet another botched IVF cycle.  It's OK...my sanity will get it eventually...don't even worry about it.

I definitely don't want to forget to mention how grateful I am for the awesome blemished skin you've blessed me with.  I think they suit my swollen boobs and masscara streaked face so well.

In closing, I could not be more grateful that you completely work the opposite of a normal woman’s body.  The joy of spending 30K this year on infertility treatments and drugs has been fun.

Just for shits and giggles…maybe you could try working these next couple of months.  That would be great. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Your owner