About Me

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Nashville, TN, United States
I am a mom to amazing twin girls, a wife, and I work full time. I battled infertility for 2 years and over the course of treatments, a twin pregnancy, and raising twins I managed to gain about 80 lbs. I’ve lost about 50 lbs so far and would like to lose another 50 in my quest to become a hot mama.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Hello again bleeding

Whyyyyyyy can't it just stop.  Now my mind is racing.  I've been wondering for 2 days why I haven't had any symptoms whatsoever. No sore BB's, no MS, not exhausted...nothing.  Then this morning I start bleeding (again).  I can't stop stressing.  This is ridiculous.  This is supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life but I can't seem to get out from underneath the shadow of losing these babies.


So I continue to pray to St. Gerard and hope that both of my beans are growing and have healthy heartbeats tomorrow.


Prayer:
O almighty and Everlasting God Who through the operation of the Holy Christ, 
didst prepare the body and soul of the glorious Virgin Mary to be a worthy dwelling place of Thy divine Son; 
and, through the operation of the same Holy Ghost, didst sanctify Saint John the Baptist, while still in his mother’s womb;
hearken to the prayers of Thy humble servant who implore thee, through the intercession of Saint Gerard, to protect me; 
that it may be cleansed by the saving water of baptism and, after a Christian life on earth, it may with its mother, attain everlasting bliss in Heaven. 
Amen.



Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Big things on Friday!

So this Friday is a day of big things.


1) Our final u/s with the RE.  If everything looks good we will graduate!  I can't believe it!


2) We close on our new house!!!!


I have been finding it really hard to help with any of the packing. I get tired so easily.  If I bend my head down to pack boxes I get dizzy.  I can't seem to win.  I feel awful because poor DH has done more than the majority of the packing while I just sit there and watch...or sleep.


We have 2 friends that are going to help us move (thank god).  Not sure how we are going to get all of our stuff moved over one weekend without me being able to lift anything, but I am sure we will make it work.  It's weird, I am overjoyed to be pregnant, but I feel completely worthless right now.  I can't lift anything...I can't cook dinner for my husband (because the smells make me sick), I can't stay awake to watch TV with DH (TV is like Ambien to me...turn it on and I'll be snoozing in minutes).


In positive news (Knock on wood) the bleeding has stopped.  I am not even having any brown bleeding.  I emailed my nurse yesterday to let her know about the blood clot that had passed and she sent me a very reassuring response:
"Hi Emily,
I’m glad the bleeding has stopped for the most part.  Clots are an accumulation of a slow trickle of blood and discharge that aren’t necessarily alarming to us.  (for you they are terrifying, definitely!) but without current active bleeding they represent old blood working it’s way out.  I wish I could reassure you that you would know if you were miscarrying, but that’s not always so.  Sometimes the heart can just stop beating and we don’t know for a few weeks.  This is very rare after seeing good heartbeats like we have seen for you though!  Thanks for the update, I am glad to hear that bleeding is slowing down.
Keep me posted!
Nurse J
PS- at any point if you need an ultrasound earlier than planned, we can do it…no problem."

So I am feeling pretty good going into Friday's U/S that both babies will be doing just fine.  That coupled with the fact that my nausea seems to be increasing makes me feel pretty good.  

The morning sickness has been odd-I get REALLY nauseated, but when I go to throw-up it's just heaves...and lots of spit.  I almost wish I could just puke and feel better!!!

Lastly (and I recognize that this blog is ALL OVER the place!), has anyone purchased a fetal heart doppler? I am thinking about buying one to help ease the stress when we switch from RE land (u/s every week) to OB land (u/s once a month).  Thoughts?

Monday, February 22, 2010

I spoke too soon.

So after my previous post in which I mentioned that the bleeding was slowing down, I experienced a huge gush of bright pink/red blood Friday night.  This was enough to tip me over the edge.  I cried the entire night.  On Saturday I went in to the RE and told them what happened.  The did an u/s and found both babies with 2 perfect heartbeats.  I was quite relieved.  The doctor said sometimes this just happens.  It's scary, but it happens.  They did find something "suspicious" on the u/s which she said could be a bleed.  She said we won't really know for a few more days because these things tend to not show up on u/s until after the fact.

She decided that we should stop the baby aspirin.  She feels this could be the root of all evil.  I was feeling good after leaving there until I passed a clot the size of a marble about an hour later.  That marked the last of the bleeding.  The only thing I could guess is that when the u/s tech was wanding me, she knocked something lose at the top of the cervix.

I stopped the Aspirin on Saturday.  The bleeding seems to be slowing down again.  I just pray both of our babies show up on u/s this Friday for our last appointment with the RE.

Friday, February 19, 2010

11 hours of sleep does the body good

Yeah...you read that right...last night, I slept for 11 hours.  Surprisingly, I still didn’t get up when the alarm went off…and I could still go back to bed right now!

I am quite impressed by this feat because I don’t think I’ve ever slept 11 consecutive hours.  Ok…I am lying…they weren’t exactly consecutive.  DH woke me up at 9:30 when he got home from a business dinner to give me my PIO shot…and I ate ice cream…and then I went back to bed.

Needless to say my headache is gone.  And not really surprising…the bleeding has slowed down A LOT!  I am barely spotting today (knock on wood).

Now for the real challenge, let’s see how easy I can take it this weekend while we pack for the big move!!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Dear bleeding....please stop.

Haven't I been through enough just to get pregnant.  Why must you hang around bleeding and constantly  make me fear losing this pregnancy.  Nice touch on the blood clots last night by the way.  Really sent me over the edge.  I enjoy crying though...so don't worry about it.  You have however worn out your welcome, so please leave.

Regards,
Emily's Uterus.

So after passing 2 small clots last night and crying my eyes out (again), I called my RE this morning.  The recommended coming in.  They said everything looks fine.  I got to see both babies again.  They have gone from 6.1 mm and 5.5 mm to 8.1mm and 8mm respectively.  So it looks like baby A is catching up!  I got hear both heartbeats (which is still beyond amazing) and they were both at 144 (up from 119 and 122).

The doctor decided that we should go ahead and check my estrogen and progesterone levels to see if we can find a cause for the bleeding.  I should hear back from them tomorrow with those results.

They are calling it a "threatened abortion" but the doctor said it sounds worse than it is.  He says that is what they call anyone that has bleeding in early pregnancy.  He assured me that many of his IVF patients have bleeding and feels that IVF increases the odds that you will bleed.  Very reassuring, but I'd feel better if the bleeding would stop.

Our next u/s is next Friday the 26th... coincidently that is the same day we close on the new house.  Big day!  If all goes well we will be released to an OB on that date.  Crossing my fingers!

Infertility Etiquette from Resolve

I read this on Baby on Mind's blog and thought it would be good to repost.  I wish everyone would read this!  I would make every IF'ers TTC journey so much easier.




I was reading through some postings on BabyCenter a while ago when I came across the "Infertility Etiquette" article.  I have read this before in the past and found myself wishing that everyone that has not struggled with TTC would have read this.

Not many people in my circle of friends or family know about our struggles with TTC, so it has been really difficult encountering some of the following.  I am sharing this because I know most of you have or will experience some or all of these.   Feel free to share this with others that love and care for you.


Below is the super paraphrased version of the article.  Please read the full article here on the RESOLVE website.  It's really worth the read.

Infertility Etiquette, by Vita Alligood
  • Don't tell them to relax
  • Don't minimize the problem
  • Don't say there are worse things that could happen
  • Don't say they aren't meant to be parents
  • Don't ask why they aren't trying IVF
  • Don't play doctor
  • Don't be crude
  • Don't complain about your pregnancy
  • Don't treat them like they are ignorant
  • Don't gossip about your friend's condition
  • Don't push adoption (yet)
  • Let them know you care
  • Remember them on Mother's Day
  • Support their decision to stop treatments
From http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie

p/s Please feel free to share or repost on your blog.  Just make sure you link to the original page.

Monday, February 15, 2010

The verdict is in...

IT'S TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I absolutely cannot believe it.  We went in today fully expecting horrible news because of all of the bleeding.  I was actually in tears in the waiting room.  I hopped up on the table and she starts looking around for what seems like forever.  I asked her if people tell her that they are bleeding during pregnancy often and she responded “everyday of the week.”  So after an eternity (ok, 30 seconds) she goes “Well it’s twins.” My heart skipped about 7 beats!  She showed us both.  Both babies are measuring 6 weeks and 3 days (which is a 2 day difference from what I had calculated) but she said plus or minus 5 days on either side is just fine.  What was even more amazing is that both babies had heartbeats!!!! Baby A had a heartbeat of 119 and baby B had a heartbeat of 122.  She played both of the heart beats for us….it was the most AMAZING sound I have ever heard.

I pretty much cried uncontrollably while DH held my hand. Hands down this was the best day of my life! 

After we heard the heartbeats she looked for causes of the bleeding and said she can’t see any.  The doctor assured me that this is good.  She said bleeding is very common especially with twins.  DH said that Baby B is probably kicking Baby A in the head and that was the reason for all of the bleeding.

We go back in 2 weeks for another u/s and some blood work to put together a taper plan for the estrace and progesterone. 

Thanks so much for all of the support ladies!  I wouldn’t have survived the weekend without you!!!!!

Baby A:

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Bleeding???!!!!! : (

We are vacationing in San Antonio.  Last night I started spotting.  It was brownish discharge when I wipe.  It has gotten worse this morning.  It was enough to soak the TP when I wiped this morning.  I have been hysterical ever since.  I am not cramping, and I know that is good...but I just don't see how I can be bleeding this much and have everything be OK.

U/S is tomorrow.  I'll guess we'll know then is this is game over or not.

Please say a little prayer for us and for this bean!!!!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Maternity Shopping?

I give up.  My clothes literally do not fit.  I haven't gained weight...and my pants simply will not button.  I really didn't think that this happened so early in pregnancy.  My pants will close in the morning (standing) but when I sit, it is terribly uncomfortable and by the end of the day trying to close them is just laughable.  I started wearing my Bella Band yesterday.  I have thrown my hands up.  It's funny...I still feel like a fraud wearing it.  I feel like a "faker."  Damn you IF for screwing up my mind.

With that being said, I hope I didn't jinx this pregnancy, but I went ahead and ordered 2 maternity dresses today.  I have a really important banquet to go to with DH in 3 weeks (I'll be 9 weeks at that point) and not one of my dresses that I own fits.  So after polling some of my message board girls (who have all assured me that tight pants are perfectly normal for 6 weeks along) I decided that rather than buy a dress that is one size bigger for this party, to just go ahead and get a maternity dress that I will continue to wear.  After DH's vote, I ordered these two.  I am hoping that they will cover my belly (which looks like puffy fat belly) and will eventually be able to show off a nice round bump.



Monday, February 8, 2010

Hello Morning Sickness..and a quick bitching rant

MS

She has finally showed her face.  I was worried as to why I didn't really have any, but it started last night and has continued into today with a vengeance.  So far I've managed to not vomit but I am getting dangerously close to tossing my cookies.

I've heard that 6 weeks is the "magical week" in pregnancy when it hits. So I shouldn't be surprised that at one day shy of 6 weeks I feel like a gigantic pile of shit (which don't get me wrong...I am grateful for).

Me and vegetables are not friends to say the least.  The only foods I am able to eat at the moment are cereal, starchy foods, and milk (which is funny because I HATE milk).


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Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Can't....stay....awake.....

Part I:


I want to start this blog by expressing the way I feel about my IF girls.  I feel like I am abandoning everyone.  I feel guilty posting about my symptoms.  I feel like I am slapping everyone in the face that still isn't pregnant by still blogging.  It's so hard to be excited when I know so many of my friends are here and still aren't pregnant.  I remember the way that felt.  When others got pregnant...I was really happy for them, but it hurt at the same time.  I don't know how I can not feel guilty for finally being pregnant.  I don't know what else I can blog about since this pregnancy is the culmination of 2 years, lots of tears, and countless dollars.  I hope that my fellow IF bloggers don't feel that I have abandoned them and won't still support their journey.  I know it's hard to follow my blog now and I accept that. I will pray for all of the girls that have supported me on this journey and end this part of my blog by saying I will never forget my roots.  I know how painful this journey is, and I will never forget it.

Part II:

Last night I slept for 6 hours (which is pretty typical), woke up, and 30 minutes later I am exhausted.  I've been dragging my tail at work all morning.  I cannot get over how tired I am.  I know everyone says "I was tired all the time when I was pregnant" but this is like a debilitating kind of tired.  The kind of tired where I could fall asleep on my keyboard at work and not wake up until the day is done!

I have also started wearing sports bras to bed because it feels like a small unicorn is jumping around inside my boobs poking holes.  If it's not that then possibly a small leprauchaun comes into my room and whacks my boobs with a baseball bat.  Either way, they HURT!

I feel like morning sickness is slowly starting to creep in.  I have a dull nauseated feeling that sits at the base of my stomach all day.  No vomiting yet.  Wonder if I'll be one of the "lucky ones"

Sadly, I love it all.  I love being so tired I could cry.  I love that my boobs feel like a car ran them over.  I love the fact that I gagged while picking up a dog turd last night.  Most people would whine and complain about how much it sucks, but I am eating it up.  I love it because after all of this time I am finally pregnant and having all of these nasty symptoms that are getting worse with time means I am still pregnant!

Monday, February 1, 2010

I am not going to be afraid

I am tired of being afraid.  I have lived the past 2 years of this IF journey in fear.  In fear that I wouldn't get pregnant, in fear that there was something wrong with my lady business, in fear that there was something wrong with all of my embryos.  I am tired.  I am tired of being so afraid to enjoy life and enjoy the fact that after so many dollars and tears and I finally fucking pregnant.

In light of that...I am going to stop looking at miscarriage statitics.  I am going to stop comparing my beta numbers to those that have had a blighted ovum or a sac with no fetal pole or embryo.  I am going to stop hyperventilating everytime my boobs don't hurt or I get cramps.  I have to stop.  I am making myself crazy.

With my new found attitutude towards this, this weekend I actually bought some baby stuff.

First I bought "What to expect when you are expecting."   I was going to wait until after my first u/s but I figured, I will be almost 7 weeks by that point, and at 10 weeks it will already be a fetus, so if there is something I am not supposed to be eating or doing, I should probably know it now!  Not after I've done all of the damage with that hot dog or unpasteurized cheese.





















Then, while walking around Target, I found a wall decal that just spoke to me and what we've been through to get to this pregnancy.  It said "Everyday holds the possibility of a Miracle."   I thought it could not possibly be more perfect for our nursery when we work on one.  Here's a pic (I found this on someone's blog...it's not actually on a wall yet)














Randy also decided to tell his brother and sister that we are expecting.  They were both elated.  They know what a terribly long journey this has been.  His sister said she has a barely used crib that we can have and a TON of clothes.  Wow...I'm only 4 weeks, 6 days and we already have a crib!

So in short.  I am going to enjoy every second that I am pregnant.  I am going to go to my 7 week u/s confident that there will be at least one beautiful heartbeat measuring perfectly 7 weeks.  I going to tell fear to shut the hell up.  I am done with you!